My Superfluous Blog

Choose your last words.

2012-02-11T16:18:00.000+11:00

I can't stop listening to this song "Born to Die" by Lana Del Rey.

"Feet don't fail me now
Take me to the finish line
All my heart, it breaks every step that I take"

"Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough"

"The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime"

"Choose your last words.
This is the last time.
Cause you and I, we were born to die."

All we know is what we have now.

2012-02-11T15:53:00.001+11:00

A year ago I discovered that my mother was terminally ill and I was told that she had two to three months to live. I remember thinking that two to three months was not enough time. And I said that in my post here. Five days later she was dead. And what I wouldn't give to have two to three months more with her now. What a blessing any time with her would be.

Everything happened so quickly in the end. There were so many things to say. So many things I was unable to say. So many things left unsaid. And so many questions left unanswered.

Of course my mother did not have time either. And while she started to reflect on her life and process everything, her life was over before she could finish. And it breaks my heart that she left without finding peace.

We never know when lives will end. All we know is what we have now. And we know one day it will end for us.

Now's the time to say what needs to be said. To ask what needs to be asked. To do what needs to be done.

For tomorrow might be too late. xx

A reflection on 2011

2012-02-10T23:48:00.001+11:00

At the start of every new year, I typically reflect on the year just passed. And as I reflect on 2011, I could easily say it was one of the worst years of my life, having lost my mother so suddenly.

Then it was hard to grieve in the way I needed to with someone so dependent on me. Someone who did not understand what I was going through. Someone who wanted my full, undivided attention. Someone who looked to me for strength and comfort, while inside I felt like I was falling apart.

But Maya was also my light who helped guide me through and I was often able to get lost in her enthusiasm, energy and lust for life.

And then there's the change I was finally able to make. Leaving a job I was unhappy with. Suddenly I had the confidence to leave without any backup job or plans for my future. I just knew I had to leave and better now than never. So I did. And it gave me some time out and space and led me to apply for jobs I normally wouldn't. It led me to attain a new job that I enjoy. And I am working there again this year with more hours and more opportunities.

Life is too short to spend it doing something you are unhappy doing. Perhaps you can't make a change right now. Perhaps you have to work towards a change. But what better time to start than now. xx

The reality is, life involves pain.

2011-12-29T22:43:00.000+11:00

In this Blog I have been open and honest about my feelings - 'good' or 'bad'. And while it serves us better to focus on the positive things in our lives and to be grateful for what we do have. Lows are inevitably a part of our lives, and it's not always possible to maintain a positive focus during difficult times. The lows are as much a part of our lives as the highs.

The reality is, life involves pain. There's no getting away from it. As human beings we are all faced with the fact that sooner or later we will grow infirm, get sick, and die. Sooner or later we all will lose valued relationships through rejection, separation, or death. Sooner or later we all will come face to face with crisis, disappointment, and failure. This means that in one form or another, we are all going to experience painful thoughts and feelings. - The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris

Once I became a mother myself, suddenly there were a few whispers in my ear about how hard motherhood actually is. When I asked them why they hadn't spoken of the hard times before, they replied that they didn't want to admit it was hard. It's as though admitting motherhood is hard somehow makes us a failed mother. If I find it hard as a mother that must mean I am a bad mother. Yet it is the stories of the hard times as mothers that let me know that I am not alone in my feelings. Finding motherhood difficult at times, does in no way make me less of a mother or mean that I love my daughter any less or mean that I am not prepared to do anything and everything for her.

I have also shared my journey this year of the loss of my mother. I dare say most people would find this a difficult period in their life. And I wanted to be open and honest about the roller-coaster ride of grief. Losing my father twelve years ago and now my mother this year, have been the hardest things I have ever been through in my life. My feelings are rife this year. And there is no right or wrong in my feelings. They are my feelings.

Telling someone to 'get over it' or to 'focus on what they do have' is extremely unhelpful and only serves to diminish their feelings, which are neither right nor wrong, just feelings. It makes it not OK to talk about 'bad' feelings for fear of being judged "stupid and shallow and selfish" by people who obviously cannot possibly understand.

Questions.

2011-10-29T22:16:00.002+11:00

Maya asks questions. All the time. And I'm sure I've posted before that there are some questions that are easy to answer and some questions I don't know the answer to.

The other day I was looking at a picture book with Maya. This particular picture was of a hot air balloon and the word was balloon.

Maya pointed at the picture and asked "What is it?"

"A balloon," I answered.

Pointing to the basket below the balloon "What is it?"

"That's a basket," I answered.

Pointing to the picture again, Maya asked "What is it?"

"It's a hot air balloon. That's the balloon part and hot air is put into the balloon and it floats up and it pulls the basket up and people can ride in the basket."

Maya pauses for a while looking at the picture. I feel like I'm doing well with my explanations. I know that it's a picture of a hot air balloon and I know how it works.

Then Maya asks "What's his name?", pointing to a man in the basket.

"Err.. I dunno?"

Swim Lessons.

2011-09-11T17:03:00.003+10:00

Maya's swim lessons are all about having fun in the water whilst gaining swim skills.

Maya is wearing a little yellow hat in the video.

Happy Father's Day.

2011-09-04T09:26:00.000+10:00

Unconditional Love.

2011-09-03T13:33:00.009+10:00

It hit me recently that with both parents now deceased there is no longer anyone left in this world who loves me the way a parent loves their child.

A parent's love is endless, unconditional, boundless and unlike any other kind of love.

And it is gone for me.

Loss

2011-08-21T20:53:00.000+10:00

We who have lost have no physical sign, no outward scar that says, "Look, oh look, can you not see? I have lost so much." The scars are inside. - Rise by Ingrid Polson

Imagine being in a horrific accident where you lost your leg. You would be taken to an emergency hospital, where a team of doctors, surgeons and nurses would work to stop the bleeding, and repair what could be repaired. You would then be taken to a recovery ward, given medication for the pain, have round the clock care from a team of doctors and nurses and when ready, work with physiotherapists to regain mobility, perhaps be fitted with a prosthetic leg and be offered the support of a psychiatrist to help you come to terms with the loss of your limb.

And the extent of your loss would be evident to all.

But when one loses a family member, there is no support. There are no teams of doctors and nurses with round the clock care. There are so physiotherapists to help you get moving again. There are no psychiatrists who come to see you and help you adjust to life without your significant other (of course you can seek the help of psychiatrists or psychologists, but my point is that YOU have to seek the help; it is not forthcoming).

And the extent of your loss is not evident to anybody.

I realise I don't know what it is like to lose a leg. But if I had the choice of losing my leg or my mother I would choose my leg.

I also know there are people who have experienced much greater loss than I have (and Ingrid Polson is one of those people). But in my immediate group of friends and amongst family I do feel that I am truly worse off. That my losses have been more and greater than any in my immediate circle. And while I wouldn't wish the loss of a parent at this age on anyone, I can't help feeling that it's not fair that I have now lost both parents while most have lost none. Surely it was one of their turns to lose someone.

I know life doesn't work that way, but why me again?

How dare it be that our family had to go through this again! Were we not granted some kind of death and disaster immunity? And how could I possibly demonstrate how much I loved and missed my family? My body was not big enough to show the size of the scars, my failures could never be spectacular enough, there was not enough darkness in the world to wrap myself in. - Rise by Ingrid Polson

There are those around me who have lost both parents, but later in life, at an age when you would expect to lose your parents. And their parents endured long term illnesses so it would not have been a shock to the same extent as the losses of both my parents were. And their parents died when their children were grown and able to support them through their loss.

Maya doesn't understand what has happened to her Nana, nor does she understand that I am grieving or what grief is. She doesn't even understand that her Nana was MY mother and my mother has gone forever. Maya isn't a support or comfort for me in the way I most need. In fact everything I now do for her requires greater effort on my behalf due to the large, painful wound I now carry with me every day.

A wound no one can see.

A year ago..

2011-08-15T21:52:00.000+10:00

A year ago today was the last time my mother made it to a family gathering. She was already experiencing a lot of pain but she wanted to come see Maya and I and she wanted to tell the rest of her family the news.

This is the last picture I have of my mother and Maya together. Now I wish I had continued to take pictures of them together when visiting my mother at home, at the hospital or at the rehabilitation centre. But I believed my mother would get better and why would you take pictures of someone who is sick and not looking as they used to? But now I lack pictures from those few months and that is something I regret.

Miss you so much mum and so does Maya. Forever in our hearts.

Your turn.

2011-08-11T21:39:00.000+10:00

I decided to give Maya a ride on my back. I got down on my hands and knees and told her that if she climbed up on my back I'd give her a ride.

When the ride was over, she hopped off my back, got down on her hands and knees, pointed to her back and said "Mum, your turn".

First born.

2011-07-29T16:04:00.000+10:00

Maya is lucky to have a great grandmother still alive, who is my grandmother on my mother's side. What makes this even more special to me, is that my grandmother, my mother, Maya and I are all first born women.

So when Maya was born I decided that I wanted a picture taken of all four of us together. My grandmother was 87 years old at the time and had lost her husband a few months prior. So I wanted to get the photo done sooner rather than later. But it was hard to organise all four of us together at the same time. Until Maya's first birthday when all four of us came together. But none of the photos turned out.

I had always meant to try again and then forgot all about it once my mother got sick. But after my mother passed I lamented the fact that I never got the picture I wanted.

Then recently my aunt turned up with a picture of the four of us. I had forgotten that we had all made it to my cousin's house warming together in December 2009. And my aunt had captured the four of us together on her camera.

A copy of the photo now sits framed on my mantel. Four generations of first born women. And I can't even describe how grateful I am to have this picture. This picture I sought because my grandmother was of advanced age and could pass any time.

But it turned out I wasn't racing the clock for her passing but for my mothers instead. And if I hadn't been trying to get a photo with my grandmother in it, I wouldn't have this photo with my mother in it.

Wallace and Gromit.

2011-07-18T22:00:00.001+10:00

One of Maya's favourite shows is Wallace and Gromit. It's about a guy (Wallace) and his dog (Gromit) and they get up to all kinds of adventures together.

So when the decision was made for Maya to have grommets, we realised that this was a word she was already familiar with, as the name of the dog Gromit. What made the whole explanation even more complicated (amusing) was that her doctor's name is Wallis.

Can you imagine the images those words would conjure up in Maya's mind?

Saying "Maya Doctor Wallis is going to put grommets in your ears".

Might be heard as "Maya Wallace is going to put Gromit in your ears".

She'd probably be excited about seeing Wallace and Gromit but unsure about a dog in her ears.

We decided to call the surgeon by his first name and tell her that she was having tubes put in her ears.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

2011-07-17T21:29:00.000+10:00

To minimise our ecological footprint we can reduce what we buy, reuse items where possible and recycle what can't be reused again.

One quick and easy change that can be made is to switch to recycled toilet paper. It's a change Greg and I made many years ago but it seems this change isn't being adopted by the majority of Australians. According to Wipe It Out, 95% of Australian's still buy non-recycled toilet paper.

Using non-recycled toilet paper means that trees are cut down to make those rolls. Less trees means less homes for wildlife and affects climate change.

Recycled toilet paper is comfortable to use and comparable on cost. And it is made from post-consumer waste, which protects more trees from being cut down.

From Zoos Victoria's Wipe for Wildlife campaig n:

Things to look out for in a good recycled toilet paper product are:
Manufactured from 100% post-consumer waste
Made is Australia
Uses no harsh chemicals

Choice has also come up with a list of which toilet papers to buy in Australia, which you can find here.

And here's a little video to end off this post:

Wipe for Wildlife CSA from Zoos Victoria on Vimeo.

Ecological Footprint.

2011-07-12T21:27:00.000+10:00

I have been thinking about doing a series on ways to reduce our environmental impact. This is a topic I am extremely passionate about.

I believe we are damaging our planet at an alarming rate but there are things we can do as individuals to reduce our impact. And the more people who reduce their impact the more preservation will result.

This is my opinion and it is a strong opinion. But it is backed up by current research and findings and I will present this research too.

Being so passionate about reducing my impact on our world means I find it so frustrating when others don't seem to have this same approach. I wonder at times what's the point of me trying to make a difference if others aren't. I'm not sure if others don't care or don't realise the impact or don't realise that there are many small changes that can be made that all add up.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. There are still many changes I could (and want to) make to reduce my impact. But there are some very easy changes that can be made quickly and I have made many of these changes.

Today I calculated my ecological footprint and my result was that it takes 4.1 global hectares of the Earth's productive area to support my lifestyle. What this equates to is that if everyone lived like I do then we'd need 2.3 Earths to provide enough resource. Yes I still have a way to go. But according to EPA Victoria, the average Victorian needs 6.8 global hectares of land to sustain his or her lifestyle. So I am doing better than the average Victorian.

If you'd like to calculate your ecological footprint you can use the same one I used: here (requires Flash). Or there are others on the web if you search for 'ecological footprint calculator'.

Cattery.

2011-07-11T22:55:00.001+10:00

We're going on a family holiday in a couple of months and usually we leave our cat Cleo with my mother to look after, but obviously that's not an option this time. So I started looking into catteries. And I don't know much about them, because I've never used one before, but I came across one that just seems a little over the top to me.

A stay at this cattery includes a free massage for your cat, happy hour every day with treats and your cat can even watch some TV.

Check out the promo video

Cats Conservatory produced by Mark Osborne on WellcomeMat

Identifying colours.

2011-07-09T20:35:00.001+10:00

One of Maya's favourite topics at the moment is colours. She wants to know the names of colours as well as what colour things are.

I was feeling pretty confident about this particular topic. I am good at naming colours.

"What colour is this?" Maya would ask, pointing to a red car.
"Red", I'd say.

"What colour is this?" Maya would ask, pointing to a green leaf.
"Green", I'd say.

Until Maya asked "What colour is this?", pointing to her nose.
"Oh ummm.. errrrr.. skin coloured??"

Is skin colour a colour?

And then there are all those shades of colours out there that are a combination of tones, like well "greeny, reddy, browny coloured" or "bluey, purpley, black coloured".

Hmm.. identifying colours is harder than I thought.

Whatcha doing?

2011-07-08T22:55:00.000+10:00

There are still a lot of things Maya doesn't know or understand about the world. She regularly asks questions to seek new information. And currently she is very interested in what I or others around us are 'doing'. But she will not just ask about new events. She also asks about things she has seen many times before. She even asks me what I am doing when it is completely obvious what I am doing.

Now a dinner conversation might go something like this:

Maya: "Whatcha doing?"
Me: "Eating dinner."
A few minutes later.
Maya: "Whatcha doing mummy?"
Me "I'm still eating dinner."
A few minutes later.
Maya "Whatcha doing?"
Me: *sigh*

Oh what a night.

2011-06-20T22:49:00.001+10:00

Greg went away for work for two weeks. And one night, after going to bed at midnight, I woke at 2am and something wasn't right. My stomach hurt and I felt nauseous. My first thought was that I had gastro or food poisoning. But then the pain was getting worse and I'd never experienced pain with an upset stomach before, so I thought maybe the pain was causing my nausea.

I took the strongest painkillers I had. And the pain seemed to ease from across my stomach but intensified on my right side.

It was now 3am and the pain was getting worse. And I was home alone with a two year old. I was trying to think who I could call at 3am in the morning. I finally called a nursing hotline and the nurse established that while I wasn't experiencing something life threatening, I should get to a doctor or hospital as soon as possible.

At 3am? With a toddler in tow?

Now the pain was verging on unbearable. It was coming in waves and during peaks of pain I could do nothing but cry out and hope it would pass soon. Each peak seemed to last forever. And I couldn't stand it much longer. But what could I do? Take Maya to hospital with me? Call a doctor to come to my house? Call someone - a friend, a relative - to look after Maya? But who do you call in the middle of the night?

I tried calling one of my aunts but no one answered. I tried again. Still nothing.

By now it was 4am and the pain was just too much to bear. And that's when I finally realised what the problem was. I'd seen Greg go through the same thing two years prior. Kidney stone. I'd seen how much pain he'd been in and I had read at the time that kidney stones are one of the most painful experiences. And I was proved right when I had a CT scan the following day, which showed a kidney stone in my ureter.

So 4am and I rang up a locum doctor service thinking my only option was to have a doctor come visit me. But when I was put on hold in the middle of a tremendous wave of agony, I hung up and called for an ambulance. I needed to go to hospital. And I needed to drag poor Maya with me.

The ambulance took a long time to arrive. All the while the pain was at its absolute worst. My whole body was shaking in agony.

And then suddenly there was a slight pause in the pain.

That's when the ambulance arrived.

The paramedics wanted to take me to hospital. But my 2 year old was asleep in her room. Could I really drag her to hospital in the middle of the night? The paramedics didn't recommend taking a 2 year old to hospital during the night while staff are stretched. They wanted me to find someone to come take care of her so they could take me to hospital. But I had no one to call. No one to come. Greg was miles away overseas. My parents are dead. My aunt wasn't answering. My other family is no help. I couldn't bring myself to ring friends in the middle of the night. My in-laws are all far away.

I couldn't bear the thought of dragging Maya to hospital and the pain was easing somewhat. So I decided to stay home and see what happened. I finally managed to flop into bed at 6am and Maya was up at 7.

I was completely and utterly shattered. I've never experienced exhaustion like it. I tried getting in touch with family but people either had other commitments or didn't answer their phones. I managed to find a friend who could help out for a couple of hours. She took me to a doctors appointment, for which I am grateful. But it was not enough.

The doctor explained that passing a kidney stone causes trauma to the body. So I was surviving on a couple of hours sleep, with internal trauma to my body, some pain still and trying to care for a 2 year old - all on my own.

I needed to be in bed. I needed to be sleeping. I needed to rest. But I couldn't.

I felt so alone and missed my mum more than ever. She would have been there for me had she been alive and well. Greg of course would have been there for me too, had he not been overseas. I remember I had to drive him to doctors appointments, to his CT scan and I had to take over all household duties and the sole care of Maya while he recovered. While I had no help and no time to rest.

I tried using the TV as a babysitter, so I could nap on the couch but Maya wanted me. She wanted my attention. I napped when she napped, but it made no difference to how I felt. And that evening when Maya would not go to bed for some reason I just burst into tears. It was just all too much. I had no energy. No energy to fight her into bed. I just wanted to go to bed and go to sleep. And Maya wasn't going to let me. She was probably feeling anxious about me. I hadn't been myself all day. And while I explained to her what had happened, she didn't really understand. So we cried together. For an hour. Until we both collapsed into wonderful, blissful, much needed sleep.

Grommets.

2011-06-19T14:26:00.001+10:00

Last week Maya had grommets (ear tubes) inserted into her ears, which was performed under general anaesthetic in hospital. As I said in my previous post, I was worried about the procedure because there are always risks and I knew Maya wouldn't completely understand what was going on. However, I did try and explain as much as I could because I do believe it helps children prepare. (I always remember the story of my mother aged six years old being taken to have her 'picture taken'. She was put in front of a camera then a nurse from behind quickly shoved a gag with ether over her face, which put her to sleep, only to wake later coughing up blood, after her tonsils had been removed. What a horrible experience that must have been!)

In the end I was surprised how smoothly the whole thing went. We arrived at hospital at 7am, unable to give Maya breakfast, but she didn't seem to mind. She knew that her doctor was going to 'fix her ears'. We waited in a waiting room and read books together. Then changed into gowns for the procedure. She was so happy and relaxed.

I was able to go into the operating theatre with her. At which point they placed a mask over her face, with general anaesthetic so that she would go to sleep.

At that point I looked down at my vulnerable, little girl, with sudden wide, scared eyes, and I realised how trusting she was of me and I felt awful that I was putting her through it. But I am so glad I was there with her for this part of the procedure. I was able to rub her belly and whisper how much I loved her and that she was safe.

As soon as she was asleep I was ushered out of the theatre. It was hard to leave my little girl. I now had to put my trust in the operating team.

I headed back to the waiting room and the surgeon appeared ten minutes later to tell us how well the procedure had gone and that he had removed a lot of gunk (snot) from her ears. He went to check on Maya's recovery and ran back to grab Greg and I, where Maya was quite upset. The nurse was happy for Maya to hop into my arms and after a few moments Maya vomited and then settled.

We were then ushered to recovery two, where Maya was offered breakfast to eat and afterwards we were able to head home.

Maya hasn't shown any signs of distress except for the moments after surgery when she felt nauseous. It's as though nothing actually happened. For which I am grateful. But I do hope we never have to do this or any other procedure again.

Glue ear again.

2011-06-15T22:10:00.001+10:00

Throughout last year Maya had numerous colds and repeated ear infections (which I wrote about here, here and here). Our visit with her ear specialist last year showed that her ears were clear and she had normal hearing, but he wanted her to have regular hearing tests throughout this year. Then Maya began the year with several colds and another ear infection. After which I noticed that I was having to repeat a lot of things I said for Maya, but was that just normal toddler behaviour or a sign of a hearing problem?

I had her hearing tested last month and it revealed that she once again had glue ear and a 30% reduction in hearing in both ears. And grommets were recommended.

Last year I decided to wait and see what happened before trying grommets and during that time I used nasal sprays to help clear her nasal passages. But with the repeat of glue ear and a worry about her disadvantage in hearing I decided to go ahead with them.

It was an extremely tough decision for me to make, which I've found people generally haven't been sympathetic to. Immediately they tell me that it is a simple, easy, quick, common procedure.

Yes and it's because it's a simple, easy, quick, common procedure that I am deciding to go ahead with it. If it was an arduous procedure with high risk of complications for minimal gain, well I wouldn't even be contemplating it and I think people would understand that.

But this is my little girl, whom I love so dearly. She will have the grommets inserted under general anaesthetic, amongst a host of strangers, in a strange environment, with little or no understanding of what is going on. While the risks are minimal there are still risks. And I don't want to put Maya through all that.

Yes I have weighed the pros and cons and decided to go ahead with it, but I am still anxious about it and worry if I have made the right decision for my little girl.

Bikes.

2011-05-26T22:37:00.001+10:00

Back in January we bought bikes plus a bike seat for Maya. But with all the drama in the following months, we didn't get around to using them much until now.

I wasn't sure how I'd go being back on a bike. It's been many, many years since I've ridden. But I found my riding legs quickly and I am enjoying it. Just as long as there aren't too many big hills just yet. :)

Maya loves being on the bike. Of course at her age she's not riding herself, but she is participating, being outdoors and seeing her mum and dad riding together.

I really want to encourage Maya to be outdoors and to exercise. And I know the best way to encourage her is for Greg and I to do it too (not to mention the health benefits we also get out of it). I want to encourage family time that is centred around exercise and I want to make exercise a normal part of our life.

I remember growing up I rode a lot, went to parks, played ball sports, went swimming. And my mother was never there. My father always took us. And I always wished my mother would come with us because I wanted to spend time with her. I realise my mother probably wanted some time out and sometimes I stay home, while Greg takes Maya out, so that I can enjoy some alone time. But I also very much enjoy the time we spend together as a family unit.

I can't hear her.

2011-05-25T22:29:00.000+10:00

When I tell people that I am missing my mother and miss our conversations, I often hear "You can still talk to her" or "She's still listening" or "She will guide you". But that misses the point. I want to be able to converse with my mother. I want to hear her advice and opinion. I want her words of comfort and encouragement. And yes I can talk to her and I can imagine what she might say and doing those things can be very comforting at times. But it is not even slightly the same as having my mother here with me and actually conversing with her.

I know these things are said by well meaning people who are trying to help. But they are in fact dismissing my feelings. I am missing my mother. I am missing our conversations. And nothing can make that better.

No one can ease my grief. Only time can do that.

The world is my oyster.

2011-05-20T22:35:00.000+10:00

I've always felt that before I could leave any job I needed to find another ongoing position to replace it. But once I left my job I was finally able to consider casual, temporary work. In fact suddenly temporary work sounded like an ideal way to try other workplaces.

So I applied for casual work and within a week I was offered two jobs!

Long term I still don't know what I want to do career wise. But for the short term I am happy to try out different places and different jobs and hopefully get more of an idea of what I do and don't like.

I am also enjoying not being tied down to one workplace. If I don't like something I can just leave and find something else.

The world is my oyster.

Mother's Day.

2011-05-08T16:08:00.001+10:00

Dear Mum,

You were not just my mother but my best friend too.
There was nothing that I couldn't share with you.

But now you are gone; taken too fast.
And all I have are our memories of past.

I miss you more than you'll ever know.
And now you will not see your grand-daughter grow.

I will never forget you and all that you've done.
There was no one like you, no one, none.

My heart aches for you and always will.
There's a hole in my heart that no one can fill.

But you were the best mother I could have asked for.
Loved and remembered always, forever more.

Happy mother's day Mum. xx

Work

2011-04-27T21:59:00.000+10:00

After mum died I needed time off from work. I couldn't manage my job on top of the grief I was experiencing. So I took two months off. But as the two months of leave slowly grew to a close I found myself dreading going back to work more and more.

Before my mother passed away I was already disliking a number of things about my job. Like the 1 1/2 hours it takes me to get there and the 1 1/2 hours it takes me to get back. Like the fact that all my good friends have now left and gone elsewhere. Like the fact that my workload is enormous because most of the staff who are left do not support each other and don't share work.

I could go on. But the point is I was already disliking my job and I was already looking for work closer to home that I would hopefully enjoy more.

I've been in my current job for six years now and despite what I just said, it has actually been the best job I've had to date. But it is a tough job and others haven't lasted as long. A lot of people I know have left the industry altogether or sought jobs elsewhere.

And now my strength is gone.

I have always felt that I needed another job lined up in order to leave my current job. And it is scary to leave something without a backup in place.

But I needed to leave. So I decided to quit.

When I rang my manager to quit, she said "Please consider taking leave instead, that way you can keep your job. You can take leave for twelve months. Then another twelve months is available after that. So all up you can have a leave of absence for up to two years."

"But I want to be able to look for other work", I said.

"You can still look for other work and do other jobs but keep your job secure and keep all your entitlements for two years", she said.

"So I can keep my job secure for two years, keep all my entitlements secure during that time, work where ever I want during that time and decide to return or quit within two years?"

"Yes"

"Well OK then"

So that's what I did.

Maya "reading".

2011-04-22T22:20:00.001+10:00

Also known as... telling a story from memory ("Dear Zoo" by Rod Campbell).

She is mumbling a lot so it's hard to understand what she is saying, but most of the time she is repeating the same thing over and over.

"I wrote to the zoo to send me a pet. They sent me a pet. [Insert animal here]. It was too big I sent him back."

It's not quite the right words. But she does obviously remember some lines from the story.

Funeral Blues.

2011-04-21T21:25:00.000+10:00

There's a part of me that still can't believe my mother is gone. I have moments were I think I might pop over to see her. Or maybe I'll give her a call.

And then it hits me.

I can't.

My mother was not just my mother. She was also my best friend. And it really is as though I have lost two people in one.

I know I am lucky to have been so close to my mother. I could talk to her about anything and everything. And I did.

I could be myself with her. I always felt completely at home and comfortable in her home and I felt the same way when she visited me. She knew me well. She knew what to say.

There's a huge hole in my life now and it can ever be filled.

Circle of life.

2011-04-20T21:58:00.000+10:00

Someone mentioned the circle of life to me recently, in regards to my mother's passing. And yes in the circle of life parents are supposed to pass before their children.

But my grandmother, my mother's mother, is still alive. She just buried her eldest daughter.

I can't even begin to imagine what she must be feeling. I know she feels it should have been her dying instead. And if she could have traded places with her daughter, she would have.

As I sat with my mother in her final moments, I'll admit I looked across her bed at my grandmother and thought, "It should be you lying here instead of my mother".

Sometimes the circle of life does not work as it is supposed to.

I've been listening to The Editors a lot lately, whose lyrics seem to resonate with me right now. And in the song "Push Your Head Towards the Air":

Now don't drown in your tears, babe
Push your head towards the air.
Now don't drown in your tears, babe
I will always be there.

I thought my mother would always be there. I thought she would always be there to save me from drowning. I remember all the times I cried in her arms and her arms were the safest place in the world. Nothing could hurt me there.

Now I am a mother and I keep Maya safe. And I want to tell Maya that I will always be there for her.

But if the circle of life works as it is supposed to, one day I will leave Maya. One day Maya will feel as I do now. Her heart will ache for me. And I wish I could save Maya from that experience.

Suffering.

2011-04-18T21:11:00.000+10:00

In regards to my mother's passing I often hear: "At least she's not suffering any more". And while I don't want my mother to be suffering, I also don't want her to be dead. And if the choice is suffering or death, well right now I would choose her suffering just to have her here with me. Yes, it may be selfish but that's how I feel.

In life there are things we suffer through. Accidents. Operations. Loss. Pushing ourselves to our limits. And not all this suffering ends in death. Some suffering comes before achieving a dream or before recovering from loss, an accident or an operation.

So I guess what I really want is my mother's suffering to be towards recovery rather than towards death. And I want my mother alive not dead. And the fact that she is not suffering any more is no comfort to me.

Every little piece in your life...

2011-04-16T21:41:00.000+10:00

From The Editors - "The Weight of the World":

Every little piece in your life
Will add up to one
Every little piece in your life
Well it means something to someone

Closure.

2011-04-10T15:32:00.000+10:00

Last week I organised to speak to a doctor about my mother's medical history because I found myself questioning over and over again what happened. I never went to any medical appointments with my mother because I was told that her cancer was highly treatable. How did it go so fast from treatable to terminal?

And last week I discovered the truth.

It was never treatable.

It was always terminal.

And I was not told.

Doctors suspected, via scans, that my mother's cancer had spread beyond her bladder and this became clear when my mother had her cystectomy in October last year. The surgeon could see that the cancer went beyond her bladder and knew in that moment that she was terminal. A few days after her operation the surgeon revealed the news to my mother. She was terminal.

From there we don't know and will never know what happened. Did my mother not understand the prognosis? She was on a lot of strong medications, perhaps she didn't even really hear what the surgeon said. Maybe she was in denial? She was a fighter and wanted desperately to beat the cancer. And there are always wonderful stories of success where people beat illnesses that are 'unbeatable'. Or maybe she hid it from us, her family, to protect us.

There's just no way to tell how much my mother understood. But other doctors who treated my mother say she seemed to have no understanding of the fact that she was terminal. And we had no way to know because no one told us.

And here we come to the part that really gets to me. My mother's surgeon told us, her family, after surgery that the cancer had been removed and had been contained within the bladder. Which is an outright lie. If my mother had asked her surgeon not to pass on the fact that she was terminal to anyone, which she had every right to do, then surely he should have said nothing to us. He should have said that due to my mother's wishes he could not talk to us about the surgery or outcomes. Surely he should not have been able to lie about a patient's prognosis under any circumstances?

So doctors knew and thought mum knew that her cancer was terminal back in October. But I did not find out until February 10th this year. And 6 days later she was gone. Rather than months to come to terms with things, to say my goodbyes, to say all there was to say, I had six days. And those six days my mother was mostly asleep or delirious. It was not enough.

I know we should always make the most of every moment. And I was visiting her often. But I would have visited a lot more often had I known she was terminal. I would have organised for her to come see our home that we had just purchased. Perhaps have some parties with Maya. Mum could have written letters to Maya for her to read in the future. And all of that was taken away from me, from mum, from all of us while we gave my mother space and time to heal from her surgeries.

But I also discovered last week that there was nothing that could have been done to save my mother, which has stopped all the 'what ifs' running around my head. By the time she had symptoms it was already too late. And there was no way of knowing she had bladder cancer before the symptoms. She was always headed to this point and there was nothing I or anyone could have done.

Life is short.

2011-03-25T22:34:00.000+11:00

Ever since my mother passed I find myself questioning my life.

There's a realisation that life is short.. too short.. and it can end unexpectedly at any moment.

Life is so often lived as though there is an infinite amount of time. Life ending is unimaginable.

But then we are faced with mortality.

And with the significant loss I have just experienced, I also have the realisation that now I have opportunity via the inheritance I will come into. And with it some freedom to make changes.

Of course given the choice I would give it all up in a flash to have my mother back. I would give it up and more - my house, my money, everything I own.

But I can't. And my mother worked hard for what she had. And I don't want to waste it.

So I could use it to change careers. To renovate. Towards paying our loan. To buy a new house. To holiday. To invest. To have another child. A combination of the above.

Right now I don't know what to do. But I am entertaining the possibilities life suddenly has to offer.

Life is too short. And I want to spend my days as fulfilled and happy as I can be.

I'm just not sure how to work out what will be fulfilling and happy for me. But I haven't been enjoying my job for a while now. Even before my mother passed. And that is one area I want to work on. But do I stay in my current career and try somewhere else? Or change careers altogether? Or become a stay at home mother again?

I used to spend too much time worrying about how my decisions affect others. But I need to start thinking about what I want and stop worrying about others. I can't make everyone happy. The only people I need to think about are myself, Greg and Maya. And how we can make the most of our time together, so that it is as fulfilling and happy as it can be with the life we have.

If only.

2011-03-21T20:37:00.000+11:00

Maya keeps asking to go visit Nana. And it breaks my heart every time. Because I really wish we could go visit her Nana.

I would do almost anything to have my mother back. To have it so that she didn't die. So that I could talk to her again. Say all the things I wished I'd said. So I could hug her. And watch her play with Maya again.

I still can't believe a year ago my mother was coming round to visit. She was picking Maya up from child care. We had coffees. Went shopping. Went to the park. Talked. Laughed. Hugged. She was well, happy and alive.

At least we thought she was well.

And now she's dead. Gone. Never coming back.

Maya doesn't understand that her Nana has gone and that she will never be able to see her or speak to her again. She's too young to understand the concept. She loved (loves) her Nana dearly and wants to see her. She probably doesn't understand why we don't take her to see her Nana.

But while it upsets me that we can't go visit her Nana. I am glad that she wants to visit her. That she remembers her. I want Maya to remember her Nana and I am afraid she will forget her in time.

I need to get some pictures printed of Maya with her Nana. So that she will continue to see her grandmother on a daily basis and hopefully continue to remember her from her own memory.

First time Mum saw Maya - October 2008

Maya sleeping in her Nana's arms - November 2008

Cuddles and kisses - April 2009

Playing with and feeding Maya - August 2009

Maya's first birthday party - October 2009. Mum never made it to Maya's second birthday party in October 2010 because she was in hospital at the time.

These are my favourite pictures because Mum and Maya were sharing a special time together that I was able to witness and capture - December 2009

I returned to work in January 2010 and didn't take any photos of the two of them till August 2010 due to less time, which of course I now regret. These two pictures are the last pictures I have of mum and Maya taken in August 2010. Mum was in a lot of pain and had her cancer diagnosis and we were waiting for her operation, which we thought would rid her of it. I never thought to take photos of the two of them after this time. Until the last few days I had no idea my mother would not recover. Until then we had a future in which to take photos. R.I.P. Mum.

Coping.

2011-03-17T17:58:00.000+11:00

It seems somehow that observers base their ability to judge your well-being on how they feel about what you are doing. For example, if you are very distressed and crying, you will be described as not coping very well, but if you don't show your feelings, or at least if you don't show too many of them and the observers don't feel uncomfortable about what you are doing, they will describe you as coping well. [From Coping With Grief by Mal & Dianne McKissock]

A lot of people tell me that I am "doing so well" or that I am "so strong" or that I am "coping really well". And it annoys me. Because it dismisses what I am feeling. It makes me feel like I am expected to "cope well". It leaves me wondering if I can express my grief and feelings. And my outside behaviour does not always represent my inside feelings.

In fact I would love to crawl into bed for a couple of weeks. But having my daughter means that I do not have the luxury to do that. I have to get up, get myself sorted and be there for my daughter (as much as I can be there for her given the overwhelming grief I am experiencing). And while some think the way to deal with grief is to get on with life as soon as possible, this method does not suit everyone.

I need time to process, to grieve, to be me without judgement, to cry, to get angry, to yell, to scream, to be without responsibility (as much as possible given I have my daughter). There is nothing wrong with my way of dealing with grief. It's just my way. So in order to get the time I need I have had to take leave from work for a few weeks. Maya still goes to child care and it gives me three days a week to do all the things I need to do to grieve.

You are the only one who can feel what you feel; you are the only one who can determine how to express what you feel. Others affected by the bereavement have their own feelings and their way of expressing them, but if you feel like going to bed for a couple of days - do it! If you want to yell, scream, cry, curse - do it! If you want to withdraw and have time to yourself - do so! [From Coping With Grief by Mal & Dianne McKissock]

So I'm not particularly strong and I'm not coping "really well". I'm just doing what I need to do to get through this extremely difficult time. Some may see me as coping, others may see me as not coping. But it is what it is and I can't change my way of dealing with things.

Grief.

2011-02-27T16:21:00.001+11:00

I am finding it difficult to see or talk to friends at the moment. None of my friends have ever lost a parent and therefore cannot understand what I am going through. It is also difficult to hear about their lives when I feel like the whole world should have stopped the day my mum died. Why isn't the whole world mourning as I am? And it's difficult to hear about my friend's problems, which compared to mine now seem so trivial. Though I know one day I too will be concerned about day to day things again, as the grief wears off and normalcy sets in.

In our culture we are given three days bereavement leave, which is no where near enough for such an enormous loss. It creates an expectation that grief should be over and done with within a relatively short time. But after an enormous loss grief stays with you forever and creeps up at different times in your life. When I graduated, got married and was pregnant with Maya I grieved the loss of my father.

According to 'Coping With Grief' by Mal McKissock and Dianne McKissock (which I highly recommend reading):

In the beginning, pain seems to be a constant, overwhelming companion until gradually, you become familiar with its intensity, and therefore less fearful. The time spent in between 'peaks' becomes shorter, giving you necessary periods of relief. Initially, relief may be short-lived, perhaps just minutes of respite gradually stretching into hours, days, weeks. You may never 'get over' the death but you will learn to live with the absence of the person you love.

Friends are asking me what they can do to help and really there is nothing they can do, except be there when I am ready to see them again. The problem is I don't know how many people can 'handle' my grief. It seems in our culture it's not really acceptable to show strong feelings. People don't like to see other people crying because they feel like that person is hurting and they want to fix the hurt. It even starts with parents trying anything and everything to stop their baby from crying, when in reality crying is a natural, normal way for babies to express themselves. From a young age we teach children that it is not OK to cry by trying to stop them from crying. But crying is a natural, normal way to heal hurt. I'm not saying that you can't comfort someone who is crying and be there for them. In fact it's important to be there with them and to comfort them and to let them know that it is OK to cry. If you think back to when you cried last, didn't you feel better afterwards? That is the point of crying. But when someone is trying to stop you from this process it makes it harder to proceed and therefore harder to heal.

According to 'Coping With Grief' by Mal McKissock and Dianne McKissock:

In our society people get upset if you demonstrate strong reactions to pain. For example, if you cry openly in reaction to an event, even bereavement, after a short period of tolerance, those around you will begin to placate your feelings - they will say things like, 'Buck up, think of the kids, every cloud has a silver lining.' All of these platitudes and clichés, though not malicious are designed to prevent you from expressing your feelings. There is a very genuine belief that getting upset is bad for you.

In this day and age, in our society, it is rare to have lost both parents at my age. And while I don't wish this upon anyone, I can't help feel jealous now of people who still have both parents or even one.

Quite a few of my friends had children far from their parents and families. But I chose to remain near mine. Whereas they always have the choice to move back to their families, now I will never know that support again.

R.I.P. Mum.

2011-02-18T20:36:00.000+11:00

In August my mother was diagnosed with bladder cancer and we were told that the success rate for that particular cancer was very high. In October we were told that the cancer was bigger than expected and my mother had her bladder removed. In December my mother was recovering very well and then had a bowel obstruction, which had to be removed and turned out to be cancer. Last Thursday we were told that my mother's cancer had spread to her lymph nodes, liver, lungs and throughout other parts of her body and she had only months to live. On Monday we were told that the cancer was also around her kidneys, that she was going into kidney failure and only had a couple of weeks at most to live. And on Wednesday (16th February) she passed away.

It all seems so surreal right now. It all happened so quickly. And while I did get to talk to my mother in her final days she was mostly sleeping or delirious and so I am left feeling like there is still so much to say.

I am glad that I could be there with her in her final days and hours. But to see someone you love so dearly suffering so much is hard on the soul. I've also seen so many things I wish I could erase my from memory. No one should have to go through so much suffering.

I miss my mum so much and I don't know how my life can go on without her. She was too young to die and she didn't want to go. Life can be so cruel.

Mum I love you so much. You were the best mother I could have ever hoped for. I will miss you every single day for the rest of my life. But you are no longer in pain and for that I am grateful. I hope you are finally at peace and there is an endless library where you are now. You are forever in my heart.

Last photo of mum (with Maya) before mum got too sick (taken in August 2010):

Smokers outside the hospital door.

2011-02-15T23:19:00.001+11:00

Every time I visit my mother I walk past an array of people smoking on my way to the hospital entrance. Some of them are patients - wearing hospital gowns and drips attached. Some of them are visitors. Some of them are staff. And it just always seems so ridiculous to see all these people smoking outside the hospital doors - killing themselves slowly with every breath right outside a place that saves lives.

Every time I walk past these people smoking I feel like screaming at them and telling them that they are all idiots. They are throwing their health away and for what? When faced with death will they look back and be glad they smoked? Or will they, as my mother now is, be rapt in guilt and blame themselves for their impending death.

If these people could see my mother I wonder if they would give up. If they could see just what she has become and what she has gone through and what is still yet to be. To give up your life, your dignity, your sense of being, your future. All for cigarettes. Is it really worth it?

A few months is not enough.

2011-02-10T21:12:00.000+11:00

Today I received news I have anticipated but have been dreading. My mother is now terminally ill. Whilst most bladder cancers grow slowly and are easy to remove, hers is aggressive and has spread throughout her body. They can no longer treat her. She has a few months left to live.

Right now I feel like nothing is real any more. And I wish someone would wake me up from this nightmare.

I remember how devastating it was to lose my father. And now I have to go through it again with my mother. And both of them will have died so young.

I can't believe that soon I will be parent less. That the only support on my side of the family will soon be gone. That my mother will never get to see Maya grow and develop. That I will lose my mother and my friend. That I won't be able to talk to her. See her. Hug her.

I wish I could get away from this pain. From this grief. I remember thinking I would never recover from the pain of losing my father. Of course I did. But for a while there the pain was unbearable. And I am headed there again.

Suddenly so many things seem so unimportant.

The little things don't matter.

Only health matters.

And I would do anything, give anything, say anything to cure my mother right now.

Party gifts.

2011-02-09T20:54:00.002+11:00

When Maya was three months old we took her to a children's birthday party. Back then she wasn't even on solids but upon leaving she was presented with a lolly bag.

Last year I took Maya to a first birthday party where the birthday girl was not allowed to eat any cake, lollies or chocolate. But upon leaving Maya was given a lolly bag.

We then went to a third birthday party where the birthday boy was on a strict, organic only diet - no dairy, no wheat and definitely no lollies or chocolate. But when leaving Maya was given a lolly bag.

I have no problem with Maya eating lollies but they are a special occasion food not something we keep at home or want to bring home. By giving us lolly bags (that I can't refuse because once Maya has seen it she wants it) means we then end up bringing lollies home to eat. And honestly Maya would be happy with anything you gave her anyway. Why not apples? Or mandarins? Why lollies?

And why do people feel obliged to give children a 'present' of lollies anyway? I remember growing up I did receive lolly bags from some parties but it's not like that's the only reason I was there. I enjoyed the party, the food and the atmosphere and the lolly bags weren't important to me.

And when you as the parent are providing a venue, food and other party items, why are you then obliged to give every child a 'present'? Aren't you already providing enough with the party alone?

It reminds me of weddings too where the bride and groom provide their guests with gifts. Does anyone go to a wedding expecting and wanting gifts? I certainly don't. I go to weddings to celebrate the bride and groom getting married. Why do people feel obliged to give gifts when they are already paying for each guest to attend their wedding?

And honestly the gifts are generally something the bride and groom have tried to spend minimal money on. Usually cheap chocolate or some cheap ornament with the bride and grooms names engraved on it. Does anyone actually want or enjoy these gifts?

Providing me with a venue, time, space, other people, food and drinks (and not having to do anything other than turn up) is enough of a 'gift' for me.

Maya and Cleo.

2011-02-07T15:45:00.000+11:00

Towards the end of my pregnancy with Maya I began to worry about how Cleo (our cat) would react to the new addition to our family. Cleo can be highly affectionate towards Greg and I, but at times she turns into a clawing, biting, scary animal. It worried me to think what she might do to a small baby.

When we brought Maya home for the first time I held her near Cleo for Cleo to suss her out. And Cleo ran and hid. She was petrified of the little being. I thought Cleo's fear of Maya would leave as she got used to the new addition to our family, but it has remained to this day.

As Maya became more aware of Cleo she would delight in seeing her. Cleo has been a godsend at times. When Maya is upset or throwing a tantrum I can take her to see Cleo and she cheers up.

Maya would dearly love to be able to play with Cleo but Cleo avoids Maya. And for good reason really. Once Maya found her feet she also found Cleo's tail. I honestly have no idea why Cleo has not attacked Maya (yet?). Maya will pull her tail, pull her fur, hit her, poke her, chase her.... And Cleo does not (yet?) lay a paw on Maya.

Greg and I still get bitten and scratched sometimes by Cleo. Yet Maya's treatment of Cleo has not been met with any retaliation. It's as though Cleo knows not to attack this small human creature.

I am so grateful that Cleo has not hurt Maya and I hope Cleo continues not to hurt her. Of course I am trying to teach Maya not to hurt Cleo either and I hope she will get the idea soon and stop tormenting the poor cat.

I think Maya sees Cleo as a toy who should do exactly what Maya wants and commands. Sometimes Maya gets extremely upset when she wants to cuddle or pat or play with Cleo and Cleo runs away. But of course Cleo has her own will. I am not sure when Maya will realise that other people and animals have their own wills, wants and needs.

Mummy!

2011-02-06T15:45:00.000+11:00

This is a conversation I regularly have with Maya at the moment (if you can call it a conversation):

Maya: "Mummy!"
Me: "Yes?"
"Mummy!"
"Yes?"
"Mummy!"
"Yes?"
"Mummy!"
"What?"
"Mummy!"
"What?!?!?!"
"Mummy!"
*sigh*

Getting to school.

2011-02-04T22:09:00.000+11:00

There was an article in the Sydney Morning Herald today about getting kids walking and riding to school. I am amazed at how many kids are now driven to school each day, which not only prevents the children from developing their own independence of getting around but also creates more congestion on the roads.

My thirteen year old cousin who goes to her local high school is too scared to walk, ride or catch public transport to school. And my aunt won't let her ride anyway 'because there are too many cars the road'. Firstly, I have no idea why my cousin would have such a strong fear of getting herself to school and I don't know why my aunt isn't helping her to develop her independence. They could catch the bus together for a few weeks until my cousin felt more comfortable taking it on her own. Or walk together. Or ride together. Secondly the reason there are more cars on the road is because more parents are on the road driving their kids to school. So if my aunt stopped driving my cousin to school there would be one less car on the road. And if several people stopped driving their children to school, there would be several cars off the road.

I went to the local primary school, which was at the end of my street. I started off walking with my mother but later walked on my own. My mother taught me about stranger danger and I felt confident walking every day and never had any problems. When at high school I rode every day. And my school wasn't so close. And I rode rain, hail or shine.

I developed my independence in getting around and I didn't need lifts to visit friends or to go to the local shops. I could just jump on my bike, use my legs or catch the bus and didn't need to rely on someone else to get me to where I needed to go.

Back in hospital.

2011-02-04T21:44:00.000+11:00

My mother ended up back in hospital about a week ago, with a partial vascular blockage in her leg. Probably due to inactivity.

While in hospital she complained about pains in her stomach so doctors ordered scans, which revealed that the cancer is bigger and worse than expected. Doctors are now in discussions about what to do next.

Learning about colours.

2011-01-21T22:10:00.000+11:00

For a long time now Maya has been able to list colours but not always identify them correctly.

Then the other day she exclaimed "There's a red car and ours is a red car!"

I looked and it was indeed a red car.

I then asked her "What is that car?" pointing at a blue car.

"That's a blue car" she said.

"And what's that car" I asked again pointing at a green car.

"That's a green car" she said.

"Wow she can identify colours" I thought.

"There's a red car" she said again pointing at a red car.

And this time I asked "What colour is it?"

"Green!" she said.

Errrrrr

"No what colour is it?"

"Green!"

"What car is it?"

"It's a red car"

"So what colour is it?"

"Green"

"No if it's a red car then it's a red colour"

"Green"

There are red cars and blue cars and silver cars and white cars but they are all the colour green apparently.

Hmmmm.

Shattered.

2011-01-17T17:04:00.001+11:00

On Saturday I visited my mother and she dropped a bombshell on me.

She still has cancer.

It was such a shock for me because I believed that the cancer had been fully removed during her surgery. But the mass was much bigger than expected. And despite the fact that bladder cancer is one of the most treatable forms of cancer because it generally grows slowly and stays contained within the bladder, it seems her cancer has grown rapidly and spread outside of the bladder.

Right now we don't know the next steps. She will have a scan sometime in February to determine how much of the cancer is left. And then the next course of action will be determined - another operation? chemotherapy? or radiation?

Until Saturday I thought my mother's battle ahead was to recover from her series of operations. But it seems it's a bigger battle than I thought. And I am shattered.

Gendering of toys.

2011-01-07T21:19:00.000+11:00

For Maya's birthday last year, my aunt asked me for present ideas. I suggested she buy Maya a dump truck for the sandpit we were giving Maya. On Maya's birthday my aunt turned up with clothes for Maya and whispered to me "I didn't get Maya a dump truck because it's for boys".

I was surprised by her reaction. I grew up playing with cars, trucks, trains, etc. I loved them and didn't consider them "boys" toys. Just as Maya enjoys playing with dolls she also enjoys her vehicles.

There was an interesting post recently on Ms. blog about the gendering of toys and how children who enjoy playing with toys outside of their gender norm can be bullied. The writer talks about her son who took his My Little Pony to show and tell and was teased and a girl who was made fun of because she had a Star Wars drink bottle (by the way I love Star Wars and I'm a girl!).

Maya received a dump truck for Christmas and well.... here's some footage of her playing with it and enjoying it.

A reflection on 2010.

2011-01-01T16:09:00.000+11:00

2010 was the year of illnesses. It seemed like Maya and I were forever sick with colds and flus, plus some infections and gastro type illnesses thrown in for good measure. Maya had many ear infections and developed glue ear, for which we thought she might need grommets but thankfully her ears did clear towards the end of the year. My vertigo flared up again and for the second half of the year I have been experiencing vertigo every two to three weeks. Though thankfully it has been milder than the previous year, it is still unpleasant and I have had some attacks while out and about which is harder to manage. Even Greg who rarely gets sick caught more colds than usual.

Then of course there's my mother who developed bladder cancer and had three operations.

Then there's a friend of mine who developed ovarian cancer and during an operation to remove the cancer a mistake was made. She will have to undergo further surgery in February to reverse the problem caused during surgery and I hope that will lead her back on the road to recovery.

I returned to work at the end of January after 16 months on maternity leave. At first it was an extremely hard adjustment to make. I missed Maya terribly and felt tremendously guilty for leaving her. It took Maya a long time to adjust to child care but now she is happy there and overall I do think her experiences with other adult carers and other children has been good for her. And work has given me adult company and some time out from the constant demands of a toddler, which I needed.

Unfortunately I began to dislike my job and the long travel to and from work, but I have sorted out a different role for 2011, which I hope I will enjoy more.

We bought our first home in 2010, which was so exciting. I'm scared to look at our finances now but happy to own our own place.

I have loved watching Maya's further growth and development and was fortunate to only work two full days a week and have the other five to spend with her. 2010 was the year Maya started walking and now she runs everywhere. Her communication has also improved and now it is much easier to work out what Maya needs or wants.

Here's hoping that 2011 is a better year of health for everyone.

Sometimes waiting pays off.

2010-12-27T15:04:00.001+11:00

Back in October Maya saw an ear specialist, due to constant ear infections and glue ear, who recommended that she have grommets (you can read that post here). I decided to take a wait and see approach but wondered if I was doing the right thing. Perhaps she would find relief with the grommets and my wait and see approach was delaying this?

I decided to see a second specialist, whom we saw at the start of December, and by then her left ear had cleared. He wanted Maya to have some hearing tests before he would decide any course of action. The hearing tests were a few days later and by then her right ear had also cleared. The tests revealed that her hearing was normal, so there was no longer any need for grommets.

The plan now is for Maya to have regular hearing tests throughout 2011 to make sure her hearing remains OK. And I hope 2011 is a better year for us in terms of illnesses. I hope her immune system is now more capable of dealing with the onslaught of illnesses from child care and we don't see a repeat of the constant illnesses we had this year.

On the path to recovery.

2010-12-27T14:47:00.000+11:00

My mother was released from hospital about a week ago, which was much sooner than I expected, but she was happy to go home. She is still very weak and recovery is slow. She has lost a lot of weight and struggles with minor activities like taking a shower. It is hard to see her so weak and so ill. And there's still a long way to go. But I really hope she's finally on the path to recovery and can return to a normal life soon.

Christmas 2010.

2010-12-26T20:56:00.001+11:00

This year we bought our first Christmas tree and Maya loved the lights and decorations. At child care Maya made a beautiful decoration for the tree as well as a Christmas themed calender for 2011.

We spent Christmas Eve with Greg's family and stayed overnight to spend Christmas day with our extended family. Maya enjoyed opening her presents but most of all she loved spending time with her extended family, especially her cousins.

The meaning of Christmas.

2010-12-19T21:41:00.001+11:00

Now that Christmas is fast approaching I find myself thinking about Christmas and what it means to me and what I want it to mean to Maya. I want Christmas to be about spending time with family and about giving rather than receiving.

I suddenly find myself wanting to purchase a Christmas tree for the family to decorate, whereas I previously had no such urge. I also find myself wanting to buy Maya gifts, whereas the previous two Christmases I wrapped things she already had. I didn't see the point of buying presents specifically to give her on Christmas day. Her first Christmas she was three months old and had no clue what was going on. The second Christmas she was fifteen months old and more interested in the people around her than opening gifts. This will be the first Christmas, at the age of twenty seven months, that she will enjoy opening gifts.

And now here comes a doozie... I actually don't want to have a "Santa" at Christmas time. It's not that I object to Santa (although I do feel that he is commercialised) and if other people want to introduce him to their children that's great. I just don't think Santa is necessary for instilling the Christmas spirit. And perhaps he even takes away from the Christmas spirit by placing a focus on receiving gifts rather than spending time with family. I think children would be just as happy receiving gifts from their parents.

However, not having Santa brings about a dilemma. Practically everyone else tells their children about Santa and if Maya doesn't believe how will this effect her and others. I imagine I won't be too popular with parents if Maya reveals to their children "but Santa isn't real". Also everyone will assume Maya believes in Santa and she will be bombarded with "What did Santa bring you?" and "Are you excited about Santa coming?".

I feel peer pressured to introduce Maya to Santa because everyone else does it. One thought Greg and I came up with is to tell her that Santa brings gifts to other children but we wanted to give her gifts from us. However, this might cause problems for Maya - why doesn't Santa bring her gifts?

I guess I'd like to create (with Greg and Maya of course) our own family Christmas traditions. But what does one do when the majority of the population around you follow traditions that you don't want as part of your own traditions?

Honestly it wasn't me!

2010-12-18T16:11:00.000+11:00

Whenever Maya hears a noise that sounds remotely like flatulence she will scream at the top of her voice "Mummy farted! Mummy farted!"

Which is particularly embarrassing when you are out shopping with said two year old and her stroller scrapes against something and makes a noise and this said two year old then starts screaming for all to hear "Mummy farted! Mummy farted!" :-/

What's that?

2010-12-17T21:10:00.001+11:00

Maya has reached a stage where she is interested to know what everything (and everyone) is called. It's great that she is interested in the world around her and what things are. But honestly it is driving me a bit crazy when all I hear all day long is "What's that? What's that? What's that?"

And what's frustrating is that some of the things she asks me about, she already knows what they are called. So I am not sure if she is seeking confirmation or making conversation.

Everything we do now - eating, reading a book, going for a drive - is filled with "What's that?"

Our dinner conversation tonight went something like this:
Maya - "What's that?"
Me - "Pasta."
Maya - "What's that?"
Me - "That's pasta too."
Maya - "What's that?"
Me - "That's also pasta. It's all pasta."
Maya - "What's that?"
Me - "What do you think it is?"
Maya - "Pasta."
Me - "Yes."
Maya - "What's that?"
Me - "Pasta." sigh

And on it went....

The saga continues.

2010-12-11T15:44:00.001+11:00

About five weeks ago my mother had surgery to remove her bladder (and the cancer contained within it). It was major surgery and there's a long road to recovery. She spent the first two weeks in hospital but then was moved to a rehabilitation hospital because she was making good progress. Last week Maya and I visited her and went for a walk outside. She was so happy to see us. She was doing so well. And she was told she'd go home on Friday.

On Friday she was readmitted to hospital because she was extremely ill. This was followed by another operation on Saturday to remove an obstruction from her bowel. She is now recovering from a third operation within two months.

I really hope this is the last of it and it's an upward journey from here.

We're going to boat.

2010-11-30T14:23:00.000+11:00

On Saturday Greg and I voted in the state election. When we told Maya that we were going to vote she was oddly excited. Then afterwards she was upset because when we said "vote" she heard "boat".

And where was that boat we had mentioned?!

Trying to explain that we said "vote" and not "boat" was impossible.

"We said vote", we said.
"Yes boat", she said.
"Vvvvvvvvvv ote", we said.
"Boat", she said.

And it's not just the word vote.

The other day she asked me what something was. "It's a cable", I replied. "Oh and this is a table too", she explained, pointing to our table.

How do you distinguish between two words that sound similar and obviously sound the same to her?

Introduction to swimming.

2010-11-15T21:31:00.001+11:00

Last year I enrolled Maya in swim lessons. She was about eight months old and I'd heard somewhere that the earlier you introduce babies to swimming the less fearful they would be of the water.

At our first lesson Maya clung to me. She was terrified of the pool. My instinct was to introduce her slowly to the water. But the swim instructor believed, quite vocally, that babies needed to be pushed into swimming concepts as quickly as possible in order for them to become comfortable in the water as soon as possible. His methods only made Maya even more fearful of the water. She would cry throughout the lesson. Maya didn't enjoy the lessons and neither did I. I ended the lessons early.

Recently, I decided to try swim lessons again, but at a different swim school. I found a centre that offered a refund if you are not happy with their lessons and thought it was a safe bet to try.

Our first lesson I had to drag Maya into the water with me. She fought hard not to go in. But I kept her close to me. This instructor could see that Maya needed to be close to me and structured the lesson accordingly. She introduced fun tasks for all the children to complete and while Maya stayed close by my side, she really enjoyed the activities. At the end of the class I had to drag her back out of the pool. She wanted to stay! It was a fun lesson and the children were not forced to do things they weren't comfortable with.

Maya now LOVES swimming. Each week she gets more and more confident to try new things. And there have even been a couple of moments were she has swum briefly all on her own.

There are still things she does not like to do but she is never forced to do them. Instead she is encouraged to give them a go to the best of her ability. This way she usually has a go and each week she gets more comfortable with the tasks.

Swimming lessons are now my favourite time of the week. And I think Maya feels the exact same way.

Maya singing Twinkle Star.

2010-11-08T15:35:00.001+11:00

The fear.

2010-11-07T21:02:00.000+11:00

Nearly eleven years ago my father had hip replacement surgery. Prior to the operation he'd been in a lot of pain and the operation gave him a new lease on life. He went home from hospital feeling good and happy and able to do things he was unable to do prior to surgery.

And then he dropped dead. From deep vein thrombosis. Caused by the surgery he'd just had.

Tomorrow my mother goes in for surgery to remove her bladder. And it is major surgery. A long operation. With risks.

It is hard not to be freaking out right now.

Mother's guilt.

2010-11-06T21:47:00.001+11:00

With Maya's constant illnesses and endless ear infections I find myself feeling guilty for placing her in child care, where she is exposed to all these illnesses. Prior to commencing child care she was rarely sick. Am I being selfish for putting myself and my career first?

I must admit I no longer enjoy my job as I did at the start of the year. And it is no longer the escape and me time I sought. It is work. And the long travel (since moving it now takes me about an hour and a half to get there) is taking its toll. But I do still enjoy the adult interaction at work and the time off from the constant care of a toddler. And I can't see myself returning to be a full time carer of Maya.

It took Maya a very long time to settle into child care. But she now enjoys being there. She loves the staff, loves the activities and has even made a friend. She has also been exposed to things I would never have thought of doing with her or can't do with her. Like recently she learnt about ambulances and got to look inside one. And they taught her to clean up after herself long before I would have thought to do that. I've been told that Maya often leads the other children and their activities and creates games to play.

Yet I still feel guilty that she is sick so often. I could protect her from these diseases if she was home with me.

Or maybe she wouldn't get sick so often if I was still able to breast feed her. I know that breast feeding reduces the possibility of ear infections. If it wasn't for Meniere's Disease I might still be breast feeding today and with the anti-bodies in breast milk maybe Maya wouldn't be sick all the time?

I know that feeling guilty doesn't help anything or anyone. But it often seems that guilt is synonymous with being a mother.

Glue ear.

2010-11-01T16:07:00.000+11:00

As mentioned in my previous post, this year has been marred by constant illnesses. And with these illnesses Maya has developed a lot of ear infections. And with these ear infections Maya has developed glue ear. Her GP eventually suggested I take her to an ear specialist whom we finally saw last week after a two month wait.

Before her appointment she had a hearing assessment which showed that the glue ears are affecting her hearing. Which to me is such a scary thing to hear, given I have permanent hearing loss.

I was expecting the specilist to adopt a wait and see approach, especially given we are now in Spring and soon to enter Summer, when illnesses should lessen (I hope!). But the specialist immediately suggested Maya have grommets placed in her ears.

While I hear stories of children who drastically improved once grommets are in place, both in hearing and behaviour, and it is the most common procedure performed, I cannot help but feel that waiting to see if things improve naturally would be a better course of action than to go straight to a surgical procedure.

So for now we are going to wait and see and I have a second specialist booked in for December (a four month wait) whom I will see for a second opinion.

The year of the illnesses.

2010-10-25T15:11:00.000+11:00

Since Maya began child care back in January she has been sick nearly every fortnight with something new each time. Prior to child care Maya was rarely sick and I thought Maya had a very good immune system. But at child care she is bombarded with illnesses constantly (I often see kids there coughing or with runny noses) and her poor little body can't fight them all off.

I feel like I have spent half my time at the doctors this year. For me and for her. Because I also seem to catch everything she catches. I feel like we have spent more time being sick than being well. And when I visit our doctor yet again, they always remind me that children at child care get many, many more illnesses than children who are at home. Basically there is nothing unusual about the amount of illnesses Maya has had since starting child care.

The barrage of illnesses has been so exhausting. It seems like when she's well then I am sick and if she's sick then I am well. When she's sick she is miserable and hard to keep happy and wakes often during the night. When I'm sick she's usually well and wants to play and go outside and do things, while I just want to go to bed and hide under the covers all day.

Our doctor tries to reassure me by reminding me with each visit that children in child care get about twenty illnesses per year (TWENTY!!!!!!!) but once they reach primary school they have a state of the art immune system and rarely get sick. Which doesn't really make me feel any better right now.

Now if only I could own shares at my doctors and the pharmacy I reckon I'd be rich.

Second Birthday Party.

2010-10-24T15:46:00.000+11:00

We decided to host Maya's second birthday party at our new place complete with BBQ lunch and ice cream cake. Here's some pictures from the day:

Party Clothes

Presents

Ice cream cake.

Time to blow out the candles

The beginning of the cancer removal.

2010-10-21T16:26:00.000+11:00

So my mother had exploratory surgery last week and during that time they operated to save one of her kidneys and remove the massive tumour. I didn't even realise the tumour was encroaching on her kidney or just how dire her situation was until after the operation. They did manage to save the kidney and declared the operation a success.

However, after more tests they have found that the cancerous cells are within her bladder lining and given the size of the tumour and the rate at which the cancer must be growing, their only solution is to remove the bladder entirely. They don't believe the cancer has spread outside of the bladder and so removing her bladder would essentially ensure that all of the cancer is removed.

On the one hand all of this sounds very reassuring and the prognosis is very good.

But they are removing her bladder.

I don't know about you but I kind of like having my bladder. I mean, yes it's not something I really think about on a regular basis or anything, but now that I am thinking about it, I really like having my bladder.

My mother will have to live the rest of her life with a catheter in place and a bag for storage.

Right now she is feeling very low about the outcome. And while we should all be happy that the prognosis is not worse, it is hard right now to imagine life without such an important organ.

Second Birthday.

2010-10-18T21:18:00.005+11:00

For Maya's first birthday I didn't buy her any presents. I knew that she wouldn't have any concept of presents or parties or birthdays. The party was for me not her.

But this year, I couldn't resist buying presents.

Maya was so excited when she saw her presents. She enjoyed unwrapping them and seeing what was inside.

We got her a watch because she's always looking at mine and wanting to wear it. Now she has one of her own. We also bought her some clothes and magnets of farm animals for the fridge as well as a sandpit.

On Maya's actual birthday we took her to a local farm where you can feed and pat the animals. But her favourite part was a ride on a kid's train.

Maya blows out the candles.

2010-10-12T13:42:00.000+11:00

Happy Second Birthday Maya.

2010-10-10T09:00:00.000+11:00

To my dearest Maya,

In your second year I have watched you grow more independent, something you have always sought. You desire to do things on your own and have mastered many amazing skills.

This year you have learnt to walk and talk and you run everywhere and talk nonstop.

I have loved watching you grow and develop and I am glad I can be there to support you along the way It hasn’t always been easy and this year when I went back to work and you started child care you really missed me and I really missed you. Then you started getting illnesses every second week and whenever you were well I was sick. But the hugs and kisses I receive and hearing your giggle and seeing your smile make everything OK.

I love you so much my gorgeous Maya. I wish you the very best of birthdays and look forward to celebrating many more with you.

All my love, Mum xx

The big C.

2010-10-08T10:06:00.000+11:00

So my mother finally saw a specialist and had tests done and the bladder cancer is bigger than expected. She is in a lot of pain and losing a lot of blood. She's weak, tired and finding it difficult to cope.

Everything seems to be taking such a long time. It took six weeks to see a specialist. Another week to have tests done. And then a three week wait to have exploratory surgery (which is next week).

This will be followed by another wait until she can have the cancer removed.

Vertigo

2010-10-02T19:44:00.000+10:00

I found this description of vertigo on Meniere's Resources Inc

During a vertigo event, what usually happens is the brain is telling the eye to move in response to bad information it receives from a dysfunctional balance system. These eye movements would be helpful at keeping balance if that information from the inner ear were accurate, but since it's false information it produces the appearance that everything is spinning which reinforces the bad balance information.

I am still suffering from the occasional vertigo attack. Though I was attack free for a few months, around July they started up again. However, while the vertigo still starts off violently it seems to 'slow down' and not last as long as before. The attacks are still highly unpleasant but not unbearable any more.

I wish I knew that this was actually a good sign and that the illness had taken its course. But unfortunately some people have a spate of milder vertigo, only to be followed by violent attacks again. So I cannot be certain that the unbearable vertigo, that plagued me last year, is over now forever. It is still a scary time for me and with each vertigo attack there is disappointment that they are still occurring.

However, having the regular, milder attacks of vertigo hasn't damaged my confidence as much as last year. I am still leading a fairly active, normal life, except on the occasions of vertigo when I need to take it easy. But I can still somewhat function through these new level of attacks and get myself to a safe seat and watch over Maya. Last year the attacks were so bad I was on the floor and unable to get up for an hour or more.

I really hope that I will never again experience those unbearable attacks. I hope that my body is adjusting to this awful illness and it will remain manageable. And I hope someday this illness will be a bad memory and not something that affects my life any more.

Enjoying the simple things.

2010-09-22T15:36:00.001+10:00

One of the things I love about being a parent is watching Maya learn and discover the world around her. She finds delight in such simple things - digging in the dirt, picking flowers, hearing a plane fly overhead, watching bubbles blowing in the wind... And I gain enjoyment from her enjoyment.

The Hokey Pokey.

2010-09-19T20:57:00.001+10:00

I was watching Maya silently dancing the Hokey Pokey when Greg asked "What is she doing?".

"The Hokey Pokey", I replied.

He started singing. Maya kept dancing. And I grabbed the camera.

I love watching this video. It makes me smile every time. :)

In our new home.

2010-09-12T17:57:00.000+10:00

Last Monday we moved into our new house. It's been an exhausting few weeks, getting everything packed and organised and then moving.

It's also harder moving with a toddler underfoot. Especially when said toddler has a nasty cold.

I know people will want to see pictures but I won't be taking pictures of our box ridden premises. So pictures will have to wait until we are unpacked and settled.

If you play with fire, you will get burned.

2010-09-01T20:29:00.000+10:00

Watching my mother go through the devastating process of being diagnosed with cancer made me wonder whether she expected to ever get cancer from smoking?

And the answer is she didn't expect it. Which I find very odd given the statistics

I realise not everyone who smokes gets cancer. And there always seems to be some story about someone who lived till the age of 99, smoked ten packs a day and was never ill

But the fact is smoking causes a large range of illnesses and conditions.

I don't know what it is like to have a chemical addiction. And people from my mother's generation did not know the affects of cigarettes. But sadly cigarette smoking is still being picked up today by teenagers at an alarming rate.

And I don't understand why anyone would start smoking knowing the facts about cigarettes.

Is there anything good about smoking at all?

Is smoking a pleasurable experience before you become addicted?

Is smoking really worth the risk?

The dreaded C.

2010-08-24T19:37:00.001+10:00

My mother is a smoker. Since the age of 18. She's now 66. That's 48 years of smoking.

My mother now has cancer.

When I was a teenager and learnt about cigarettes and all the associated health risks, I tired everything to convince her to quit smoking. Scare tactics. Giving her the facts. Ultimatums.

Of course nothing worked because she has to want to quit. It doesn't matter how much I want her to.

I know that you cannot make another person do something they don't want to do. But that hasn't stopped me from trying. Because I love her. Because I love her very much and I can't imagine a world without her in it. Because I don't want to lose her before her time. Because I don't want to lose her to a long, drawn out, horrible illness.

She has tried to quit many times. Mostly she's managed for a few weeks at a time. One time she did give up for a couple of years. Then the news that my father had passed away reached her and the first thing she did was head to the shops to buy a pack of cigarettes.

The good news is that it looks like the cancer has been caught early and will be easy to remove. Though she hasn't seen a specialist yet, so I will wait to hear what s/he has to say before I totally relax.

Won't baby choke?

2010-08-22T21:16:00.000+10:00

Following on from my previous post about Baby Led Weaning, a few people have commented that giving solid foods to babies has or will make them choke. Recently the topic of choking was covered in the ABA (Australian Breastfeeding Association) magazine where it was stated that:

"Provided that baby is in control of any food that goes into his mouth and he is sitting upright, BLW doesn't make choking any more likely than spoon feeding - and may even make it less likely."

According to Gill Rapley:

"Babies are not capable of intentionally moving food to the back of their throats until after they have developed the ability to chew."

The ABA magazine futher states:

"Often people confuse choking with gagging on food. Gagging is a retching movement that pushes food away for the airway if it is too big to be swallowed."

I wanted to discuss BLW, as it seems like the majority of parents don't even know about it as an alternative to pureeds and spoon feeding.

I like to learn about everything I do and discover all the different options available and the pros and cons of those options. That's how I discovered BLW and to me it sounded like a better approach to introducing solids.

Obviously as a parent you have to be comfortable with whatever you do for your baby and BLW might not suit you.

Baby Led Weaning

2010-08-16T20:44:00.000+10:00

I followed Baby Led Weaning (also known as Baby Led Solids) with Maya. Baby Led Weaning (BLW) commences from six months of age when babies are able to sit up, grab food and feed themselves. There are no purées and no spoon feeding involved. Babies use their fingers to begin with and later move on to cutlery. Though I did use a spoon for foods such as yoghurt or soup but I started by placing food on the spoon and putting the spoon in front of Maya for her to pick up.

Instead of feeding your baby you place food in front of him/her so that he/she can choose what to eat and how much to eat. I started by offering a variety of foods and allowed Maya to choose what, and if, she wanted to eat. Sticks of vegetables or fruits, such as carrots, zucchini, cucumber, broccoli, banana and pear are easier for a baby to pick up to begin with. I steamed harder fruits and vegetables.

Until a baby is one breast milk or formula is still their main source of food and solids are for play and learning. I found with BLW Maya didn't eat as much as other babies to start with, but that's the point. Until a baby is one food is for exploring. Over time, however, the difference between Maya's level of independent eating and the range of foods she could eat was obvious over the babies who had been spoon fed.

BLW is a lot messier than spoon feeding. Maya squashed her food, threw it on the floor, got it all over herself, her chair and the floor. But Maya's level of independent eating grew quickly and soon I found I was able to serve her a meal and eat a meal at the same time.

Maya is a very good eater. I get comments all the time from her child care about how much she eats, so I think that shows that she does eat well. She expertly uses a fork and spoon and eats a wide range of foods.

If interested in BLW I recommend the website Baby-led Weaning and there is also an introductory brochure.

6 months - Maya's first solid food - a piece of apple.

She sucked on that piece of apple for a very long time then bit some off and spat it out.

6 months - almost 7 months - Eating a Cruskit biscuit with avocado and grated carrot.

Already an independent eater.

9 months - Spaghetti Bolognaise.
The happy look on her face says it all. :)

Back on the merry-go-round.

2010-08-15T15:12:00.000+10:00

A few weeks ago the vertigo returned. I thought I had this disease (Meniere's Disease) under control and it has been so disappointing to be spinning again. It's another reminder that with this disease I don't have full control of my body and that it is a lifelong illness always with me.

People have asked me what has triggered this recent spate of vertigo and I suspect it is because I was reducing some medication I have been using. However, I upped the dosage and was still having attacks. I have since upped the dosage again and my last vertigo attack was one week ago, so I am hoping that this new dosage is helping.

The good thing is that this recent spate of vertigo has been mostly milder than before and at times I have even been able to 'soldier' on through it. In the past I would not be able to do anything other than drop to the ground and wait for it to go away. It also used to last an hour, but at times I've found myself back to normal within half an hour. Though there have been occasions where it has lasted a few hours recently.

So while the attacks seem to be milder, it is still a highly unpleasant experience and one which I want to avoid altogether. But I am hoping the milder vertigo is a sign that things are settling. Or perhaps it's a sign of the damage done. It's sad but true, many Meniere's suffers pray for the day when there is so much damage done to the balance system that the vertigo stops altogether.

On the other hand I have talked to other sufferers who have said their vertigo became milder and then went back to full strength after some time. If there's nothing else I've learnt about this disease, it's that each sufferer experiences it differently from everyone else. Probably why a cure or cause is so elusive.

Maya's first hair cut.

2010-08-14T16:08:00.000+10:00

I looked at Maya this morning and decided finally that she needed a haircut. I was loathe to cut it till now because I wanted her to have long hair I could create styles with. But her hair has only been growing at the back for a long time now and it was starting to look like a mullet.

I decided to tackle her hair myself and while it's not perfect and there are some bits I wish I could do over, I think it looks pretty good. Thicker and even than before. And it beats forking out $25 for a hairdresser.

Here's the before and after pictures:

Settled.

2010-08-13T20:31:00.002+10:00

So yesterday our house settled and we now own our first home.

Well.. right now we probably own the letter box and the bank owns the rest.

Stickers.

2010-08-03T20:30:00.000+10:00

Maya loves stickers at the moment. I'm not sure what's so good about stickers, but hey whatever makes her happy.

So when I first gave her some stickers I put them on her hands and then for some reason I decided to put one on her forehead.

So now she has decided that stickers belong on her forehead.

Maya is at an age now where she gets offered stickers by other people. Like if we visit the doctor the reception staff offer her a sticker. They will put it on her hand and Maya will respond by pointing at her forehead, telling the person "sticker goes here". I'm sure they wonder what she's doing.

When I take Maya shopping with me she loves running around the stores examining products. She also likes peeling price stickers off the said products and sticking them on her forehead. So for the rest of the shopping trip she'll have a price tag stuck to her head.

Most people find it amusing and thankfully shop staff usually have a giggle about the fact that she's pulling the price tags off. But I did have one woman stop me recently to tell me that my daughter had a tag on her head. "Yes I know. She likes it there." I replied.

It reminds me that children are sponges, absorbing and learning everything around them. And if you teach them that stickers go on your forehead, well then stickers go on your forehead.

Steps to independence - Part Two.

2010-08-02T21:42:00.001+10:00

We bought a step for Maya recently for use at the sink in the bathroom.

Well as soon as we brought the step home, Maya dragged it to the couch and climbed up. A few days later I saw Maya dragging the step out of the bathroom again. This time to reach the laptop. And today when I asked Maya if she wanted to go to the park she exclaimed "Yes!" and ran into the bathroom... to get the step.. so that she could use it to climb into her stroller.

I am in awe that Maya is now able to solve problems on her own. She is definitely determined to be independent and is proud of herself when she accomplishes tasks on her own.

I can reach the computer.

Getting into the pram.

Nearly there.

I'm so clever.

When are you having another?

2010-08-01T20:29:00.001+10:00

I get asked a lot: "When are you having a second baby?"

The thing is:

Guys don't get asked this question, which implies that women only want babies and it's all we think about. Recently when I announced I had "good news" people immediately guessed "Oh you are pregnant". No, I bought a house, which I think is good news anyway.
Not all women want babies and some couples only want one baby.
Some women have tremendous difficulties conceiving and asking someone when they are going to have a baby when they are desperately trying is not going to make them feel very good.

I don't mind if people ask me "will you have a second baby?" I just don't like the question "when are you having a second baby?" because it implies that I must have a second child.

The truth is, I don't know if there will be a second child. With Meniere's Disease I am on medication that has not been trialled enough in pregnancies. So it depends if I can wean myself off the medication and remain vertigo attack free.

I suddenly find myself jealous of people who are pregnant or who can be pregnant. I actually never wanted children close together and even without the Meniere's Disease I would not consider a second child yet. But having the choice possibly removed from me is a very hard place to be.

Another drink?

2010-07-29T19:57:00.001+10:00

At a birthday party recently I had the following conversation with someone.

THEM: What are you drinking?
ME: Flavoured mineral water.
THEM: So do you think you'll have another?
ME: Err.. yeah I guess so.
THEM: So you're enjoying it then?
ME: Err.. yes
THEM: When do you think you'll have another?
ME: I dunno?
THEM: Yeah I guess Maya is still very young.

At which point it dawned on me. They had switched the conversation from my drink to babies. As in "So do you think you'll have another baby?", "So you're enjoying motherhood?" and "When do you think you'll have another baby?"

I thought it was odd to be so interested in what I was drinking.

Steps to independence.

2010-07-19T21:29:00.000+10:00

For each new skill Maya attempts to master, there is a period of frustration, and it is hard for me not to step in and do it for her. I hate seeing her frustrated and upset and my instinct is to solve the problem for her. But I know that if I step in and do it for her she will never learn to do it for herself. Besides she tends to get frustrated with me if I do it for her, which makes perfect sense as her goal was to master the skill by herself.

Park etiquette.

2010-07-18T20:31:00.001+10:00

Maya loves going to the park. She loves the swings and the slides. She loves running up and down ramps. Climbing things. Riding on things.

But there are times when we are at the park and some child will punch, push or kick Maya for no reason.

Recently while at a park I watched some older children running around with plastic cups throwing sand at each other. Then one boy threw a cup of sand directly into the face of a much smaller, toddling, little boy, who was playing nearby. The toddler began howling while the older children laughed and continued with their game. The toddler's mother tried talking to the older children about how dangerous it is to throw sand at people, but they took no notice.

Now what I want to know is.. where were these boy's carers and why were they letting them thrown sand at each other and other people? I've been in a situation where I ended up with sand in my eye. And it hurt! A lot. I ended up in hospital because I couldn't open my eye from the pain the sand was causing. Having sand thrown in your face is highly unpleasant.

Of course, it's not always the case that a carer isn't around to help deal with situations and thankfully those situations are rare. But it does surprise me how often I will witness a child being punched, kicked or pushed by another child and there is no carer in sight.

Tell 'em they're dreamin.

2010-06-30T20:19:00.000+10:00

It is frustrating being on a diet restriction that is hardly catered for by manufacturers and is not catered for at all by restaurants, Cafes or take away places. Now there are vegetarian, low fat, gluten free and low carbohydrate meals, but no low salt options when eating out. Manufactures occasionally bring out low salt products, but usually their products disappear after a time. Often I will find something low in salt that actually tastes great, but after a while I can no longer purchase it any where. When contacting the manufacturers directly they all give the same reason - not enough people buy the low salt options.

People are so used to their high salt intake that food low in salt doesn't taste as good or even tastes awful. I know this because I went through a period of about two months, once I began my low salt diet, where nearly everything tasted horrible.

Now what I miss are options. I miss being able to stop at a cafe and have a bite to eat. I miss going out to a restaurant and being able to choose from a selection of meals (to be honest I don't actually like fish and my first meal out at a restaurant (as discussed in my previous post) wasn't enjoyable for me, except for the fact that I was 'eating out'). I miss getting take out and having a night off cooking. I miss having easy options for making meals at home.

There are many health problems that salt contributes to - stroke, heart disease, Meniere's disease, PMS, etc. Yet there doesn't seem to be that many people on a low salt diet. Not enough to justify manufacturers or restaurants catering to the diet.

Even "health" foods are a joke to me now because they are usually very high in salt. I think more salt is added to try and boost the taste and make up for the lack of sugar and fat.

I would love to see more low salt options on the shelves in supermarkets and in restaurants. But whenever I have this thought a quote from "The Castle" always enters my mind - "Tell 'em they're dreamin".

Eating out.

2010-06-30T19:00:00.000+10:00

My low salt diet fills me with anguish about eating out. Salt is such an integral part of cooking that I wonder how I can explain my diet in such a way that salt doesn't happen to sneak its way on to my plate. I have to trust that the cook will know enough about salt and how much of it is actually hidden within practically everything to be able to avoid it altogether.

Well a couple of months ago I made it out for breakfast for the first time since starting the diet. Porridge and fresh fruit are two options that are very low in salt. Since then I have been out for a few breakfasts, but I have never been game to order something salty and have the chef modify it for me.

Recently I decided to try going out for dinner. This was a huge step for me. We picked the restaurant ahead of time and I browsed their online menu. I found something that would be easy to modify and rang up the restaurant for assurance that they could modify their meals.

On the day I made it very clear to the waiter that my low salt diet restriction is for medical reasons and I made it extremely easy for him by ordering the fish, chips and salad. Fish with no batter, just plain grilled. Chips with no salt. Salad with no dressing. The waiter even came back after placing my order to inform me that he had made my order very clear to the chef. After my meal he asked me if everything had been OK. I was actually pleasantly surprised by the service and my meal came exactly as asked. Not a hint of salt to be seen on my plate, either by the shaker or by dressings or sauces.

I used to take for granted...

2010-06-22T19:40:00.001+10:00

..things like.. going to the toilet by myself and having a shower in peace.

Now I have a little person following me where ever I go.

Not that I mind, but having to entertain a little one in any situation does take a bit of getting used to.

Guess what?

2010-06-13T21:33:00.004+10:00

I have big news. No I am NOT pregnant again, which is the first guess everyone makes for some reason.

Yesterday Greg and I bought..... a house!!

We were actually looking for a unit, which of course is more affordable. Then this house came along in our price range. It met all our criteria. We got our act together and finally applied for a loan. Got our preapproval. Went to the auction yesterday. And next thing you know.. we're bidding and we've bought a house!

Here's some pictures of our new place!

Just after we bought the house.

Lounge room - ignore the dodgy furniture. :)

Kitchen.

Backyard.

Paapa.

2010-05-20T13:51:00.002+10:00

'Paapa' is Maya's word for pasta and my favourite word of hers at the moment.

Over the last couple of weeks Maya has been ramping up her vocabulary. Suddenly she seems more willing (or more able?) to repeat words she hears. And better yet she remembers them and what they are associated with. She uses "Mama" a lot more now too, which is lovely to hear.

Communication is still very limited but she is able to ask for a few things now, which makes it so much easier than trying to guess what she wants all the time. Though there are still times when I don't understand, which often results in her (and I) getting frustrated.

Maya has been babbling for such a long time now. It seems like she's always carrying on conversation with me. She even pauses and does little laughs and sighs in between some 'sentences'. It really does seem like she's telling me stories, or about her day, or things she's seen. Just in a language I can't understand.

Speaking of books..

2010-05-19T16:31:00.006+10:00

Staying on the topic of books from my previous post, I thought I'd mention my favourite baby/toddler books:

"The Going to Bed Book" & "Hippos Go Berserk" by Sandra Boynton - Love the rhythm and rhyme.

"Time To Sleep" & "Where's The Green Sheep" by Mem Fox - Love the rhythm and pictures.

"Pants" by Giles Andreae & Nick Sharratt - Love the rhythm, rhyme, pictures and topic. A silly, funny little book.

"The Very Hungry Caterpillar" by Eric Carle - A classic and Maya loves poking her fingers through the holes in the pages.

"The Animal Countdown" by Frances Bacon - Love the rhythm, rhyme and pictures.

The "When I go to" series by Jill Harker - Great pictures (something hidden on every page), good rhythm and rhyme.

"Miffy At The Zoo" by Dick Bruna - Love the rhythm and rhyme.

"Nighty-Night, Fox" by Nancy Parent - Great pictures, rhythm and rhyme.

Maya does like the books above too, but her favourite books tend to be those with flaps you can open (like the "Spot" books by Eric Hill), or things you can touch (like the "That's not my" series by Fiona Watt) or pictures and words/counting books (like 1 hat, 2 children, etc) or any book that has a picture of a cat in it. And while I do enjoy reading them the first twenty times, I do tend to tire of them after the one hundredth read.

I didn't know..

2010-05-08T14:20:00.000+10:00

.. that I would be reading the same couple of books to Maya over and over and over again, because they would become her favourites and no other book would do.

.. that those couple of books that I would read over and over again would start to drive me crazy and any attempts at reading a new book would fail.

.. that I would get so sick of reading those couple of books over and over again, that I would eventually hide them away somewhere just so I could read something new.

.. that Maya would then go and select another couple of books to become her favourites and I would have to read them over and over and over again...

It's life Jim but not as we know it.

2010-05-02T15:36:00.000+10:00

As I mentioned in my previous post I had another vertigo attack while away on holidays and I think it was caused by something I ate. I have been on a very strict low salt diet for months now and prior to this recent vertigo attack I'd been attack free since the end December 2009.

There's no way to know the reason why I've been attack free for so long. Is the diet helping? Is the medication I'm on working? Or is it just time? But I've stuck to the strict diet just in case it helps.

I've found myself doubting the diet's affect, despite reading that it supposedly helps the majority of sufferers, because when I was diagnosed 7 1/2 years ago I went on the same diet and then came off it after some time and was attack free for many years.

But there is a difference between this time and last time. This time I have had many, many more attacks than last time. This time a lot more damage has been done.

So while we were away I decided to eat something I didn't know the salt content of. The next day I had an attack. It seems plausible that the food was high in salt and the higher salt content triggered an attack.

Suddenly I found myself full of grief. I'd been thinking this diet would again be temporary. But what if it's not? What if I have to stay on this diet for the rest of my life? Of course given the choice between being on a strict diet for the rest of my life and having vertigo attacks, I choose the diet. But the diet means forever reading food labels. It means forever cooking things from scratch. It means no take away foods. It means carrying food on me at all times in case I get hungry because I can't just pop into the closest food store for something to eat. It means not being able to pop out to a cafe or restaurant for a bite to eat (I've been told it is possible to eat out with forward planning by talking to the chef beforehand to meticulously explain my diet - but even this seems like a chore, means I can't just decide to go out somewhere, limits me on where I can eat out and also means I have to put my trust in someone I don't know to follow the diet accurately). It means having to carefully explain my diet to hosts and trusting them to follow the diet or providing my own food. It means a lot more planning would have to go into trips away, especially overseas (can I even go overseas on this diet??). It means standing around at parties and morning tea at work, watching other people devour goodies.

I love eating out, getting take away and travelling.

I know there are plenty of people out there on all kinds of restrictions when it comes to diet, but salt really does seem to be in nearly everything, including a lot of things people would assume weren't high in salt (cakes, biscuits, bread...) Yesterday I saw that Lindt has made a new chocolate with sea salt!! So how do I manage explaining to people what I can and can't eat? Then how do I manage that in a foreign language?

I guess right now not only is my diet restricted but I feel like my life is restricted because of it. It is something that I still need to comes to terms with and learn to live with.

First family holiday.

2010-04-26T19:01:00.002+10:00

In April we went on our first family holiday. We have had a few overnight stays but this is the first time we've been away for a week since Maya was born.

I was worried about how Maya would cope with sleeping in a strange cot at a strange place. The first couple of sleeps were shorter than normal but after a couple of days she was in her normal routine. She loved the house we stayed at and she loved 'holiday'.

This trip was very different to previous trips I've ever been on. I found myself looking for the family activities. We took Maya to a farm where you can pat, feed and hold the animals, visited many parks and the beach, as well as satisfying both her and I by visiting a couple of different chocolate shops. :)

As for myself I booked in for a couple of hours at a day spa, which was bliss. But I also had a vertigo attack while there. The first one I've had since December. It was so disappointing. It was intense but over very quickly compared to normal. I think the attack was triggered by something I ate, which if that's the case means that I do have this disease under control as long as I stick to my strict diet. But I cannot be sure that the attack was triggered by food, so it did undermine my confidence somewhat.

Overall I enjoyed getting away and found it to be very relaxing, which is just what I needed. Greg and I are already talking about where to go for our next trip...


Oh a goat!	Patting a goat.

Patting a guinea pig.	Feeding a rabbit by putting food on top of its head.

Patting a chick.	At the beach.

Advice.

2010-04-04T21:42:00.005+10:00

Being a mother seems to invite people to give you advice. The problem is there's conflicting advice, different beliefs and wrong advice given by well meaning people. I realise the irony here when I am also giving advice, which I'm sure conflicts at times with other's beliefs and I'm not immune to making errors or being biased in what I think. But my advice is to trust your instincts and do your research from credible sources.

Some of this advice is given by people who are experts (paediatricians, maternal child health nurses, etc) but they make mistakes too and have their own agendas and beliefs. I know what it's like to be given incorrect and even ridiculous advice by experts.

As I've said in previous posts, Maya was born at a large birth weight but from there never put on much weight. In hospital I was told that I needed to express and feed her more by the midwives (experts). I was told that "I must not be feeding her correctly". They undermined my confidence. Then they would watch me feed Maya and exclaim "Oh everything looks good." But they still kept telling me something must be wrong. I was lucky to have a paediatrician who told me that Maya was doing fine and I didn't need to change anything. But it was worrying when one person was telling me everything was OK versus many who were telling me that everything was not OK.

I'd read a lot about breastfeeding prior to birth from sources such as the Australian Breastfeeding Association. I knew that if babies were given bottles before breastfeeding was established then they might end up preferring the bottle over the breast or have trouble learning how to breastfeed because of the two different methods. I knew that formula was no substitute for breast milk and breast milk was all the food they required. I knew that babies wouldn't starve themselves. I knew that they would take what they needed and that when they needed more they would take more and my supply would increase to meet the new demand. I knew that I didn't need to express to increase my supply because the baby would do that at their own pace and when needed. But when faced with the pressure from experts I began to doubt what I knew and questioned what I was doing. I tried expressing to increase my supply (and ended up with blocked ducts many times, which is painful and can lead to mastitis) and I gave top ups of formula. Both of which were exhausting to add to my already busy schedule and at the end of the day made no difference to Maya's growth.

When I moved house last year I had to find a new health nurse who pressured me to give up breastfeeding because of Maya's lack of weight gains. She even told me to feed Maya chocolate, cream and butter to 'fatten her up'. Needless to say I walked out that door and never returned to see her.

I'd like to think that I am now able to recognise when to follow advice and when to leave it. But when worried and wanting the very best for your child it is easy to lose trust of yourself and your instincts and put your trust in the 'experts'.

I know it's hard to trust yourself and to know which and whose advice to take. My advice is to trust yourself and the expertise of a few reputable sources whose advice you gel with

You can take that or leave it.

Maya does the shapes puzzle on her own.

2010-04-03T12:33:00.000+11:00

We were given a shapes puzzle for Maya a few months ago and I started by showing Maya how to put the shapes in the holes, then helped Maya put the shapes in the right holes and then a couple of weeks ago she started doing it on her own. She can get most of the shapes in but I wasn't able to capture it on this video because she lost interest.

A weighty issue.

2010-03-28T20:37:00.002+11:00

For some reason weight is seen as an indicator of health in babies. A baby who gains the expected weight or more is seen as healthy. A baby who doesn't gain the expected weight is seen as unhealthy.

Maya was always in the latter category. She was 4kgs at birth (90th percentile on the charts) but from there she never gained much weight and during some months didn't appear to gain any weight at all. She fell through the percentiles until she was below the 3rd and off the charts.

I was very lucky to have some supportive experts who despite the 'worrying' (to most) drop in weight gain, saw Maya as a healthy, happy baby, who was meeting all milestones. But some worried about her lack of weight gain and I worried too. I watched babies the same age as Maya expand and grow, while Maya slimmed down. I constantly worried that she wasn't getting enough milk. But my determination to breast feed and knowledge that breast is best kept me going. I tried to trust that everything was working well, while at the same time worried that everything was not OK.

Eventually I took Maya to a paediatrician when she was five months old and the doctor was surprised that I was still breast feeding Maya. Her advice was for me to put Maya on formula, which I said I wasn't prepared to do. So she wanted me to give her formula top ups with added glucose. At first I couldn't bring myself to give Maya formula but when she reached 6 months of age and I had succeeded in giving her breast milk only for the first 6 months of her life, I gave in and started Maya on these top up feeds. She did put on more fat but she did not grow in any other way. I realised that all the formula and glucose were doing was making Maya fat, so I stopped and the fat fell off. In hindsight I now realise this advice from an 'expert' was ridiculous and would do nothing but add fat to Maya and not make her grow any more. But for some reason experts see weight as such a huge indicator of health that any weight gain, by any means, is seen as the answer.

Why is weight gain seen as such a big indicator of health? There are more signs to health than weight gain alone. Is the baby happy? Is the baby meeting milestones? Is the baby growing (height, width OR weight)? Does the baby have ill health?

I saw a second paediatrician who ran a lot of tests on Maya and everything came back normal. She was and is a perfectly healthy girl.

I now see Maya for what she is. A small, healthy, happy girl who does not need fattening up. She eats plenty of food. She just doesn't achieve the expected weight gains.

I am so happy that I am on the other side now and I no longer see Maya's weight as an issue. What worries me though is all the mother's who will go through what I went through, some of whom will give up breast feeding or try to combine breast and formula feeding or feed their baby bulking agents, when their baby is perfectly healthy just smaller than the norm.

Ten weeks of work.

2010-03-27T18:30:00.000+11:00

I have been back at work now for ten weeks, which I am proud of. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to manage work with my illness but thankfully I haven't had any vertigo attacks since the end of December last year. I still worry about having an attack and it's often on my mind that one could happen at any moment. But being back at work has given me some confidence again - managing an hour long, two way, two train travel plus two full work days with no attacks - I am relieved.

It has been tough at times managing the work load around minding Maya and doing housework. I have to bring work home with me and it's hard fitting it in during Maya's one nap of the day, which can be anywhere from 1 to 2 hours (usually 1 1/2 to 2 hours and sometimes 3 if I am very lucky).

Overall I am happy to be back at work. However, I would rather be working only one day and have Maya in care two days a week, so that I could get everything I needed to get done for work in those two days.

Maya is happier at child care now. She has her favourite carers, she eats well and interacts with the other children. However, there is still a problem. She rarely sleeps there and if she does it's usually only 15 to 20 minutes. Compared with her usual 1 1/2 to 2 hour naps at home, that's a very big difference and by the end of the child care days Maya is a tired, unhappy mess.

For most of these past ten weeks Maya hasn't been happy at child care, which has at times left me feeling guilty for returning to work and leaving her. Unfortunately sometimes what is best for me won't necessarily be best for her, and right now being back at work is important to me.

Protecting our children.

2010-02-28T19:31:00.000+11:00

It's now just over a year since Dana McCaffery died. Dana was just 4 weeks old and died of Whooping Cough (Pertussis), which is preventable through vaccinations. However, babies cannot receive their first vaccination for Whooping Cough until they are at least two months old. So in the time between birth and 2 months of age they rely on the immunity passed from mother to child prior to birth and on the mother's anti-bodies in their milk. They also rely on those around them, who also have a lot of contact with them, to be immunised against this disease (father, grandparents, health nurses, etc). However, the vaccination wanes after 10 to 12 years and the vast majority of adults do not receive their booster injections, so 90% of adults or more are no longer immunised. Vaccination is only effective if the majority of the community does it (called herd immunity), so with the vast majority of people no longer being immunised, outbreaks of Whooping Cough are much more likely to occur.

I was horrified when a friend told me that she visited her doctor prior to pregnancy and asked if there were any preparations she should make before having a baby. He dismissed her saying that she was young and healthy.

On the other hand, when I went in for a check up prior to pregnancy I was told to get a Whooping Cough vaccination at least three months prior to conceiving in order to protect myself and my unborn baby, but also to protect my newborn once she arrived. Maya would have received my Whooping Cough anti-bodies prior to birth as well as in my breast milk. As well, I was told that Greg needed to get the booster prior to the birth of our baby girl in order to further protect her from this horrible disease.

As Maya's parents we are the ones most in contact with our little girl and it makes obvious sense for us to be vaccinated properly in order to protect our child. Really everyone who will be in regular contact with your child should be fully immunised and that is the recommendation from the Australian government: "It is also recommended that new parents or women planning on becoming pregnant (and members of their household or family) receive a booster dose of the diphtheria, tetanus and pertussis vaccine to protect the new baby from whooping cough in the first months of life." (cited from http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Whooping_cough).

So if it's been ten years or more since you had a booster dose of the pertussis vaccine then please consider having it in order to protect not only our young and helpless but also those who cannot be vaccinated and yourself. Please also vaccinate your children.

My sincere heartfelt condolences go out to Toni and David McCaffery. I cannot begin to imagine their suffering. But at a time when most people would fall in a heap and never get up again, they are fighting for a world where newborns do not die from a disease we can protect them from.

Child care.

2010-02-23T20:51:00.000+11:00

As I said in my previous post, I'd always planned to go back to work in January, for two days per week, and my intention was for my mother to care for Maya on those two days. However, seeing just how much my mother smokes each day - practically one every hour - I realised that she would have to take constant smoke breaks and they wouldn't all fall during Maya's nap times. My mother would never smoke inside my house, but even outside I hate the thought of my mother smoking around my daughter. Smoke can still get into Maya's lungs outdoors and I don't want Maya to see my mother smoking so much. I realised I cannot leave Maya with my mother for two whole days each week.

My only option then was to look into child care centres, but I thought leaving such a young child with strangers in a bigger child to adult ratio couldn't be good for Maya. She wouldn't receive the same attention as she does at home.

Then I did some research and discovered that thirty hours or less a week in child care can be beneficial for toddlers. They expand their vocabulary quicker and learn to socialise with other children. I went to look at child care centres and while I came across a couple I would never send my daughter to, I found some that had such a lovely, homely, happy feel about them and of course I chose my favourite one of those.

I know that Maya doesn't receive the same attention there from her carers as she does at home, but the kids are so friendly there and play with each other. And of course the carers do spend as much time as they can with each child. She is eating very well there and enjoys playing with the other children. She does painting and drawing, which is something I have never gotten around to doing with Maya (because of lack of thought on my part). I know at child care she will experience things that I am either unable to do or don't think of doing myself and I think that's a good thing.

The problem is that she isn't sleeping enough while there and arrives home tired and miserable. She isn't always happy there and she feels abandoned by us. Maya has always had strong separation anxiety and now it's been made worse by attending child care. She clings to me when she gets home and unfortunately she is upset with her own father who is the one who takes her there. I feel guilty right now for putting her in there and for not being able to explain to her that we are not abandoning her.

The child care staff tell me that Maya is doing well compared to other children who start child care, but it doesn't seem that way to me, and I'm not sure if they are just saying that to make me feel better or is it really true? Either way I know I need to commit to it for some time and see if Maya can adjust before I make any changes. But it's hard in the interim while Maya and I struggle with this new routine in our life.