A few months is not enough.

Today I received news I have anticipated but have been dreading.  My mother is now terminally ill.  Whilst most bladder cancers grow slowly and are easy to remove, hers is aggressive and has spread throughout her body.  They can no longer treat her.  She has a few months left to live.

Right now I feel like nothing is real any more.  And I wish someone would wake me up from this nightmare.

I remember how devastating it was to lose my father.  And now I have to go through it again with my mother.  And both of them will have died so young.

I can't believe that soon I will be parent less.  That the only support on my side of the family will soon be gone.  That my mother will never get to see Maya grow and develop.  That I will lose my mother and my friend.  That I won't be able to talk to her.  See her.  Hug her.

I wish I could get away from this pain.  From this grief.  I remember thinking I would never recover from the pain of losing my father.  Of course I did.  But for a while there the pain was unbearable.  And I am headed there again.

Suddenly so many things seem so unimportant. 

The little things don't matter.

Only health matters.

And I would do anything, give anything, say anything to cure my mother right now.