Coping.

It seems somehow that observers base their ability to judge your well-being on how they feel about what you are doing.  For example, if you are very distressed and crying, you will be described as not coping very well, but if you don't show your feelings, or at least if you don't show too many of them and the observers don't feel uncomfortable about what you are doing, they will describe you as coping well.  [From Coping With Grief by Mal & Dianne McKissock]

A lot of people tell me that I am "doing so well" or that I am "so strong" or that I am "coping really well".  And it annoys me.  Because it dismisses what I am feeling.  It makes me feel like I am expected to "cope well".  It leaves me wondering if I can express my grief and feelings.  And my outside behaviour does not always represent my inside feelings.

In fact I would love to crawl into bed for a couple of weeks.  But having my daughter means that I do not have the luxury to do that.  I have to get up, get myself sorted and be there for my daughter (as much as I can be there for her given the overwhelming grief I am experiencing).  And while some think the way to deal with grief is to get on with life as soon as possible, this method does not suit everyone. 

I need time to process, to grieve, to be me without judgement, to cry, to get angry, to yell, to scream, to be without responsibility (as much as possible given I have my daughter).  There is nothing wrong with my way of dealing with grief.  It's just my way.  So in order to get the time I need I have had to take leave from work for a few weeks.  Maya still goes to child care and it gives me three days a week to do all the things I need to do to grieve.

You are the only one who can feel what you feel; you are the only one who can determine how to express what you feel.  Others affected by the bereavement have their own feelings and their way of expressing them, but if you feel like going to bed for a couple of days - do it!  If you want to yell, scream, cry, curse - do it!  If you want to withdraw and have time to yourself - do so! [From Coping With Grief by Mal & Dianne McKissock]

So I'm not particularly strong and I'm not coping "really well".  I'm just doing what I need to do to get through this extremely difficult time.  Some may see me as coping, others may see me as not coping.  But it is what it is and I can't change my way of dealing with things.