Influences - Part Deux

Further to my thoughts on influences (previous post) - I've been wondering how much does ones own upbringing influence ones own parenting? And if a same sex parent has a greater influence on their same sex child/ren then ones own relationship with their same sex parent may have a greater influence on their parenting?

What I mean is has my upbringing and relationship with my mother had a greater impact on my mothering relationship with my child than my relationship with my father?

Of course people will see both "good" and "bad" parts of any relationships and try to emulate the "good" and change the "bad".

I'm sure there is a whole part of psychology I could go and read about all of this. If only I had the time.

Influences.

I was having a discussion with a friend yesterday, which got me wondering if parents of same sex babies worry more for that child/ren due to the fact that they can identify more with that particular sex. Obviously being the parent of only one child (girl) I cannot say whether it is true or not but I realised that being a woman I do know for instance that many women worry (unrealistically) about their weight. I really hope that Maya will be happy in her own skin no matter what size or shape she is. All that matters is that she is healthy. So if she's overweight then that is a problem, but if she is healthily shaped and sized and thinks she's overweight then that is also a problem.

As a woman I have been worried about my weight at times. I have days where I think I am fat and after having Maya my body has changed in a way I am not all that happy with at the moment. I am so conscious of the fact that I don't want to pass these bad habits on to Maya. Realistically I can see that I am of normal weight for my height and though I have some extra bulges that weren't there pre-pregnancy I am a healthy weight.

How do I go about raising a daughter to be comfortable with who she is? I think it starts with me being comfortable with who I am and it does feel like I could be more of an influence in some ways on Maya than her father can. At the same time I am very aware that a father is extremely important to a daughter and also influences how she feels about herself. But is a mother a bigger influence on female mannerisms than a father? In the same way a father might be a bigger influence on male mannerisms than a mother?

So as the mother of a daughter do I have to be more mindful of how I behave, talk and act around my daughter in terms of my femininity than I would if I had a son?

Just something I'm currently thinking about.

Returning to work after maternity/paternity leave.

I didn't realise until recently that it is the exception, not the norm, for businesses to offer returning mothers part time work. I know that there is no requirement for businesses to offer part time work but I thought in this day and age it would be common place. Instead a couple of the mothers from my mothers group have quit their jobs because they were told that they had to return to full time work. So instead of the business valuing their employee and the expertise they hold they would rather invest money into employing (and training) someone full time.

I never realised just how lucky I am to a) receive any paid maternity leave at all and b) have the option to return part time (with as many or as little hours of my choosing). Really I believe that there should be paid maternity leave for at least 13 months (means tested and available to either parent) and an option for that parent to return on a part time basis. Why 13 months paid leave? Because that gives the mother time one month prior to birth and the ability for either parent to stay home until a child is one year old. Yes, either parent should have the opportunity to stay home with their child in his/her first year. I have known dads who have chosen to be the primary caregiver. One who was much older and had had his career already while his wife was just starting out. Another whose wife earned a lot more than he and valued her career more highly than he valued his. These are parents who value a parent staying home to raise their child and have planned and organised accordingly.

I read somewhere that in 2011 there will be a paid maternity leave scheme introduced in Australia but for a total of 18 weeks only. This is still behind some other countries which offer at least 12 months paid leave. I realise that the money will have to come from tax payers but at the moment the government supports a paid child care scheme to help parents return to work, which parents can access when their baby is just 6 weeks old. Why not instead put this money into supporting parents to stay at home for the first year of their child's life?

I'm not saying that the primary caregiver needs to stay home forever or until a child is in school - just for the first (most important) year of the child's life. In fact I think at some point a parent needs to return to the work force to keep a toe in their previous career (especially when looking at my mother's generation who stayed home till children were well into school and then couldn't return to their previous careers because of too many advances in the work force). A return to the work force can also give the care taker time out and more time with adults.

Maya's First Birthday Party.

I decided to have a first birthday party for Maya.. well for me really because she has no idea about birthdays or parties. I wanted to celebrate Maya's first year of life and the fact that we'd survived it. Not that I didn't think we'd survive it.. well mostly. :)

My little girl.

As mentioned in a previous post Maya is small for her age. At birth she was a big baby at the top of the percentile chart for height, weight and length. However, from there she has never really grown much and at the age of 12 months she is the size of an average 6 month old. This has caused me anguish at times wondering if I am starving her or if there is something wrong with her. Developmentally she is where she should be, she is happy and she is rarely ill. Looking at her, without charts or other babies to compare to, I know she is OK. But there has always been a doubt in my mind - what if there is something wrong?

Last week I took Maya to a paediatrician who said he was worried about her and ran many tests. While I hated the idea of putting Maya through tests, I had to know finally. I had to know if she was OK.

The results came back - she is a perfectly healthy girl. She is getting the right amount of food, the right nutritional balance and doesn't have any obvious medical conditions. She is just small. Maybe she's meant to be small? Maybe she'll have a growth spurt later in life? Maybe I should just stop comparing her to other babies and charts.

What a relief though to know that she is OK. :)

Happy First Birthday Maya.

A year ago today I got up after barely sleeping - anxious and excited about what lay ahead. Your dad and I went to the hospital and took this last photo of pregnant me.

Then it was off to the theatre. I got a glimpse of you before they whisked you away to wrap you up warmly. Was that my baby I wondered? Then they brought you back and placed you on my chest. I stared at you. A stranger to me. Your dad whispered "Maya". Yes she was Maya.

They took you away with your father and I went to recovery. Every part of my being wanted to rush to your side. It was then that I knew that I loved you more than anything in the world.

It has certainly been a roller coaster ride my dear Maya. Those sleepless nights and seemingly endless crying. At times I thought they would never end and I would forever be a walking zombie. But all the time I loved you no matter what you did.

There was a huge learning curve for both you and I. I had to learn how to take care of you. You had to learn how to exist in the world. Before my eyes you started to grow and develop and you learnt more and more things all the time. Your personality developed too. A smiling, happy girl eager to explore her surroundings. I have loved watching you grow, learn and develop, while at the same time I have wished that I could hang on to this time for a little longer. The time really does go too quickly.

I love your hugs. I love your wet, sloppy kisses. I love your laugh. I love your smile.

I love you my darling daughter forever and always.

My life is better with you in it.

Happy FIRST Birthday from your Mum. xx

Wishing you a long, happy, fulfilling, healthy life. xx

Sponge.

Suddenly it seems like Maya is learning at a rapid pace and she is able to pick up new concepts very quickly. Then I realised that it's actually one very important skill that she has mastered - the skill of copying. I'm not exactly sure at what point she mastered this skill but she is able to watch someone do something and then repeat it (as long as it's not too complicated). This makes it feel like she's learning many new concepts at once, when in fact she is using one very important skill over and over again. Of course she is still learning by copying, but what a huge leap that particular skill gives her.

Over the last couple of weeks she has learnt to pick up things and look under them, to put things inside other things, to stand, to take steps, to empty things, to pass an object to someone and ask for it back, to dance to music, to place items on her head, to create her own shakers, to empty containers and my favourite to 'talk' on a toy telephone. Plus lots more.

With the toy phone she turns the dial, picks up the receiver, puts it near her ear and talks. How cute is that! And even funnier that a) she has no idea what a telephone actually is and b) her toy telephone is nothing like modern phones and she will never see a real phone that looks like her toy one.

Preparation for parenthood.

I have quite a few pregnant friends and friends with babies and I am extremely surprised by the lack of planning done by the majority of them before pregnancy and baby. I do think that no amount of preparation could have actually prepared me for the reality (and I did say something to that effect here). However, months before even trying for a baby I went to the doctor for a check up and chat. She gave me information and a full check up so that I knew my body was in peak condition for pregnancy. I then went and bought a book on pregnancy, birth and newborns and read it. I also talked to people with babies, read parenthood blogs and observed parents - friends and general public. I made sure our health care was up to date. I researched hospitals. I asked questions. I looked at my maternity leave scheme at work. And most of all Greg and I talked and talked about what it would be like and how we would organise things. And then we started trying for a baby.

I remember being heavily pregnant and doing the hospital course on how to take care of a newborn. We were given a worst case scenario (which is by all means possible) where baby is waking every two hours to feed and feeds for an hour. That would mean the baby is feeding for twelve hours a day, leaving twelve hours of 'free' time. We had to discuss with our partner how we would mange this situation. Greg and I immediately discussed how I would just try and sleep every single hour I had. I knew it would be exhausting and getting all that unbroken sleep would be hell. Then we had to discuss our plans with another couple. The other couple had come up with a daily plan - at this time the mother would do the grocery shopping, at this time she would do the washing and hang it at this time and here is where she would prepare and cook dinner. Seriously, WTF were they thinking? When was the mother supposed to sleep? Greg and I were both surprised that they seemed to have no concept ofwhat it would be actually like.

As I've said parenthood was actually much, much harder than I could have possibly imagined and nothing really could have prepared me for what it was like. Thinking about surviving on lack of sleep is different to actually trying to survive on not enough sleep.

However, my point is that we did try and prepare as much as we possibly could. We did try and put ourselves into the shoes of parents of newborns and imagine the hardships. We did plan for me to sleep any chance I got and for me to leave the housework. We planned for Greg to take over a lot of housework and discusssed what roles Greg would take with the baby - like he would change all nappies and settle baby to sleep when he was home and he would take the baby out for walks to give me a break. My point is we actually talked about these things BEFORE I was even pregnant.

Other things in life require preparation and planning before hand (going on a holiday, studying, starting a new career). So why is there a lack of planning before parenthood? Perhaps an attitude of so many people have done it before? Or maybe a fear? Or a belief that you cannot plan? It just surprises me that with something so important as bringing a whole new life into this world there isn't enough forethought and often very unrealistic expectations by the parents-to-be.

Maternity Leave.

In Australia workplaces must offer twelve months of maternity leave. However, there is no requirement to pay their employees during this time nor is there a paid maternity leave scheme set up by the government. I was extremely lucky to receive fourteen weeks of full pay from my employer when entering maternity leave. Most employers offer nothing.

The thing is, providing the fourteen weeks of paid leave (six weeks before birth and eight weeks after birth) sets women up for the expectation that they should (and should be able to) return to work within eight weeks after birth. Child care centres take babies from six weeks of age and according to a friend who works in a child care centre the number of six week olds in her centre is increasing each year. More and more young babies are being put into child care. I am unsure of the reasons. If it's a financial reason then I think the answer is to save before having a baby (these savings can then be a woman's salary) and giving up things that don't matter (like keeping up with the latest fashions and pay TV). If it's because the woman values her job and career over her child I really don't know why she would have a child.

Of course there are unplanned pregnancies and single mothers and I am not talking about those tough circumstances. I am talking about circumstances where there is a supportive partner, who has a stable steady job. Also it doesn't have to be the mother who stays home. There are many stay at home dads whose wives are the breadwinner.

In some countries it is a different story where employees are offered twelve months paid maternity leave. There are also some countries with more than twelve months paid leave. These countries obviously value having mothers stay home with their babies for at least the first year of their life.

I must admit before I left on my maternity leave I did worry about becoming financially dependent on Greg. After being financially self-sufficient for years it seemed like a vulnerable position to put myself in. I was lucky that I was eased into it with my fourteen weeks paid leave but Greg and I decided that we would live off his salary alone from the moment I started my leave and I managed to put the fourteen weeks pay away in savings. This helped twofold. Firstly I realised we could survive on his salary alone and secondly it got me used to being financially dependent on Greg.

Still I did spend the first couple of months feeling like I wasn't contributing to our household like Greg was. I guess what I was doing wasn't tangible enough. It took Greg pointing out (a few times) that I was doing a much more important job than he was - raising our child - for me to eventually see what I was doing as a valuable contribution.

I am so glad I am able to spend this precious time with my daughter. The first few months were very tough and there's no way I would have been able to combine work and being a mother anyway. Even now I still have so much work to do. Plus I wouldn't want to miss out on her first smile, first crawl, first steps... Her first year is a huge year in her life and I want to be there every step of the way. She will learn more and grow more in this year than any other year of her life. I also wanted to breast feed her and combining work and being a mother would have led to me giving up the breast feeding.

Being with my daughter, teaching her things, learning with her are much more important and valuable than money. Life is so short and time with Maya really is going so fast. I wouldn't want to look back and realise I missed out on this important, precious time with her because I valued money or work more highly.

Standing.

And emptying out her toy box. One of her favourite things to do at the moment.