If only.

Maya keeps asking to go visit Nana.  And it breaks my heart every time.  Because I really wish we could go visit her Nana.

I would do almost anything to have my mother back.  To have it so that she didn't die.  So that I could talk to her again.  Say all the things I wished I'd said.  So I could hug her.  And watch her play with Maya again.

I still can't believe a year ago my mother was coming round to visit.  She was picking Maya up from child care.  We had coffees.  Went shopping.  Went to the park.  Talked.  Laughed.  Hugged.  She was well, happy and alive.

At least we thought she was well.

And now she's dead.  Gone.  Never coming back.

Maya doesn't understand that her Nana has gone and that she will never be able to see her or speak to her again.  She's too young to understand the concept.  She loved (loves) her Nana dearly and wants to see her.  She probably doesn't understand why we don't take her to see her Nana.

But while it upsets me that we can't go visit her Nana.  I am glad that she wants to visit her.  That she remembers her.  I want Maya to remember her Nana and I am afraid she will forget her in time.

I need to get some pictures printed of Maya with her Nana.  So that she will continue to see her grandmother on a daily basis and hopefully continue to remember her from her own memory.

First time Mum saw Maya - October 2008
Maya sleeping in her Nana's arms - November 2008
Cuddles and kisses - April 2009
Playing with and feeding Maya - August 2009
Maya's first birthday party - October 2009. Mum never made it to Maya's second birthday party in October 2010 because she was in hospital at the time.
These are my favourite pictures because Mum and Maya were sharing a special time together that I was able to witness and capture - December 2009
I returned to work in January 2010 and didn't take any photos of the two of them till August 2010 due to less time, which of course I now regret. These two pictures are the last pictures I have of mum and Maya taken in August 2010. Mum was in a lot of pain and had her cancer diagnosis and we were waiting for her operation, which we thought would rid her of it. I never thought to take photos of the two of them after this time. Until the last few days I had no idea my mother would not recover. Until then we had a future in which to take photos.  R.I.P. Mum.