Back in hospital.

My mother ended up back in hospital about a week ago, with a partial vascular blockage in her leg.  Probably due to inactivity.

While in hospital she complained about pains in her stomach so doctors ordered scans, which revealed that the cancer is bigger and worse than expected.  Doctors are now in discussions about what to do next.

Shattered.

On Saturday I visited my mother and she dropped a bombshell on me.

She still has cancer.

It was such a shock for me because I believed that the cancer had been fully removed during her surgery.  But the mass was much bigger than expected.  And despite the fact that bladder cancer is one of the most treatable forms of cancer because it generally grows slowly and stays contained within the bladder, it seems her cancer has grown rapidly and spread outside of the bladder.

Right now we don't know the next steps.  She will have a scan sometime in February to determine how much of the cancer is left.  And then the next course of action will be determined - another operation?  chemotherapy?  or radiation?

Until Saturday I thought my mother's battle ahead was to recover from her series of operations.  But it seems it's a bigger battle than I thought.  And I am shattered.

The fear.

Nearly eleven years ago my father had hip replacement surgery.  Prior to the operation he'd been in a lot of pain and the operation gave him a new lease on life.  He went home from hospital feeling good and happy and able to do things he was unable to do prior to surgery. 

And then he dropped dead.  From deep vein thrombosis.  Caused by the surgery he'd just had.

Tomorrow my mother goes in for surgery to remove her bladder.  And it is major surgery.  A long operation.  With risks.

It is hard not to be freaking out right now.

Mother's guilt.

With Maya's constant illnesses and endless ear infections I find myself feeling guilty for placing her in child care, where she is exposed to all these illnesses. Prior to commencing child care she was rarely sick.  Am I being selfish for putting myself and my career first?

I must admit I no longer enjoy my job as I did at the start of the year.  And it is no longer the escape and me time I sought.  It is work.  And the long travel (since moving it now takes me about an hour and a half to get there) is taking its toll.  But I do still enjoy the adult interaction at work and the time off from the constant care of a toddler.  And I can't see myself returning to be a full time carer of Maya.

It took Maya a very long time to settle into child care.  But she now enjoys being there.  She loves the staff, loves the activities and has even made a friend.  She has also been exposed to things I would never have thought of doing with her or can't do with her.  Like recently she learnt about ambulances and got to look inside one.  And they taught her to clean up after herself long before I would have thought to do that.  I've been told that Maya often leads the other children and their activities and creates games to play.

Yet I still feel guilty that she is sick so often.  I could protect her from these diseases if she was home with me.

Or maybe she wouldn't get sick so often if I was still able to breast feed her.  I know that breast feeding reduces the possibility of ear infections.  If it wasn't for Meniere's Disease I might still be breast feeding today and with the anti-bodies in breast milk maybe Maya wouldn't be sick all the time?

I know that feeling guilty doesn't help anything or anyone.  But it often seems that guilt is synonymous with being a mother.

Glue ear.

As mentioned in my previous post, this year has been marred by constant illnesses.  And with these illnesses Maya has developed a lot of ear infections.  And with these ear infections Maya has developed glue ear. Her GP eventually suggested I take her to an ear specialist whom we finally saw last week after a two month wait. 

Before her appointment she had a hearing assessment which showed that the glue ears are affecting her hearing.  Which to me is such a scary thing to hear, given I have permanent hearing loss. 

I was expecting the specilist to adopt a wait and see approach, especially given we are now in Spring and soon to enter Summer, when illnesses should lessen (I hope!).  But the specialist immediately suggested Maya have grommets placed in her ears.

While I hear stories of children who drastically improved once grommets are in place, both in hearing and behaviour, and it is the most common procedure performed, I cannot help but feel that waiting to see if things improve naturally would be a better course of action than to go straight to a surgical procedure.

So for now we are going to wait and see and I have a second specialist booked in for December (a four month wait) whom I will see for a second opinion.

The year of the illnesses.

Since Maya began child care back in January she has been sick nearly every fortnight with something new each time.  Prior to child care Maya was rarely sick and I thought Maya had a very good immune system.  But at child care she is bombarded with illnesses constantly (I often see kids there coughing or with runny noses) and her poor little body can't fight them all off.

I feel like I have spent half my time at the doctors this year.  For me and for her.  Because I also seem to catch everything she catches.  I feel like we have spent more time being sick than being well.  And when I visit our doctor yet again, they always remind me that children at child care get many, many more illnesses than children who are at home.  Basically there is nothing unusual about the amount of illnesses Maya has had since starting child care.

The barrage of illnesses has been so exhausting.  It seems like when she's well then I am sick and if she's sick then I am well.  When she's sick she is miserable and hard to keep happy and wakes often during the night.  When I'm sick she's usually well and wants to play and go outside and do things, while I just want to go to bed and hide under the covers all day.

Our doctor tries to reassure me by reminding me with each visit that children in child care get about twenty illnesses per year (TWENTY!!!!!!!) but once they reach primary school they have a state of the art immune system and rarely get sick.  Which doesn't really make me feel any better right now.

Now if only I could own shares at my doctors and the pharmacy I reckon I'd be rich.