First family holiday.

In April we went on our first family holiday.  We have had a few overnight stays but this is the first time we've been away for a week since Maya was born.

I was worried about how Maya would cope with sleeping in a strange cot at a strange place.  The first couple of sleeps were shorter than normal but after a couple of days she was in her normal routine.  She loved the house we stayed at and she loved 'holiday'.

This trip was very different to previous trips I've ever been on.  I found myself looking for the family activities.  We took Maya to a farm where you can pat, feed and hold the animals, visited many parks and the beach, as well as satisfying both her and I by visiting a couple of different chocolate shops. :)

As for myself I booked in for a couple of hours at a day spa, which was bliss.  But I also had a vertigo attack while there.  The first one I've had since December.  It was so disappointing. It was intense but over very quickly compared to normal.  I think the attack was triggered by something I ate, which if that's the case means that I do have this disease under control as long as I stick to my strict diet.  But I cannot be sure that the attack was triggered by food, so it did undermine my confidence somewhat.

Overall I enjoyed getting away and found it to be very relaxing, which is just what I needed.  Greg and I are already talking about where to go for our next trip...

Oh a goat!	Patting a goat.
Patting a guinea pig.	Feeding a rabbit by putting food on top of its head.
Patting a chick.	At the beach.

Advice.

Being a mother seems to invite people to give you advice.  The problem is there's conflicting advice, different beliefs and wrong advice given by well meaning people.  I realise the irony here when I am also giving advice, which I'm sure conflicts at times with other's beliefs and I'm not immune to making errors or being biased in what I think.  But my advice is to trust your instincts and do your research from credible sources. 

Some of this advice is given by people who are experts (paediatricians, maternal child health nurses, etc) but they make mistakes too and have their own agendas and beliefs.  I know what it's like to be given incorrect and even ridiculous advice by experts.

As I've said in previous posts, Maya was born at a large birth weight but from there never put on much weight.  In hospital I was told that I needed to express and feed her more by the midwives (experts).  I was told that "I must not be feeding her correctly".  They undermined my confidence.  Then they would watch me feed Maya and exclaim "Oh everything looks good."  But they still kept telling me something must be wrong.  I was lucky to have a paediatrician who told me that Maya was doing fine and I didn't need to change anything.  But it was worrying when one person was telling me everything was OK versus many who were telling me that everything was not OK.

I'd read a lot about breastfeeding prior to birth from sources such as the Australian Breastfeeding Association.  I knew that if babies were given bottles before breastfeeding was established then they might end up preferring the bottle over the breast or have trouble learning how to breastfeed because of the two different methods.   I knew that formula was no substitute for breast milk and breast milk was all the food they required.   I knew that babies wouldn't starve themselves.  I knew that they would take what they needed and that when they needed more they would take more and my supply would increase to meet the new demand.  I knew that I didn't need to express to increase my supply because the baby would do that at their own pace and when needed.  But when faced with the pressure from experts I began to doubt what I knew and questioned what I was doing.  I tried expressing to increase my supply (and ended up with blocked ducts many times, which is painful and can lead to mastitis) and I gave top ups of formula.  Both of which were exhausting to add to my already busy schedule and at the end of the day made no difference to Maya's growth.

When I moved house last year I had to find a new health nurse who pressured me to give up breastfeeding because of Maya's lack of weight gains.  She even told me to feed Maya chocolate, cream and butter to 'fatten her up'.  Needless to say I walked out that door and never returned to see her.

I'd like to think that I am now able to recognise when to follow advice and when to leave it.  But when worried and wanting the very best for your child it is easy to lose trust of yourself and your instincts and put your trust in the 'experts'.

I know it's hard to trust yourself and to know which and whose advice to take.  My advice is to trust yourself and the expertise of a few reputable sources whose advice you gel with

You can take that or leave it.

Maya does the shapes puzzle on her own.

We were given a shapes puzzle for Maya a few months ago and I started by showing Maya how to put the shapes in the holes, then helped Maya put the shapes in the right holes and then a couple of weeks ago she started doing it on her own.  She can get most of the shapes in but I wasn't able to capture it on this video because she lost interest.

A weighty issue.

For some reason weight is seen as an indicator of health in babies.  A baby who gains the expected weight or more is seen as healthy.  A baby who doesn't gain the expected weight is seen as unhealthy.

Maya was always in the latter category.  She was 4kgs at birth (90th percentile on the charts) but from there she never gained much weight and during some months didn't appear to gain any weight at all.  She fell through the percentiles until she was below the 3rd and off the charts.

I was very lucky to have some supportive experts who despite the 'worrying' (to most) drop in weight gain, saw Maya as a healthy, happy baby, who was meeting all milestones.  But some worried about her lack of weight gain and I worried too.  I watched babies the same age as Maya expand and grow, while Maya slimmed down.  I constantly worried that she wasn't getting enough milk.  But my determination to breast feed and knowledge that breast is best kept me going.  I tried to trust that everything was working well, while at the same time worried that everything was not OK.

Eventually I took Maya to a paediatrician when she was five months old and the doctor was surprised that I was still breast feeding Maya.  Her advice was for me to put Maya on formula, which I said I wasn't prepared to do.  So she wanted me to give her formula top ups with added glucose.  At first I couldn't bring myself to give Maya formula but when she reached 6 months of age and I had succeeded in giving her breast milk only for the first 6 months of her life, I gave in and started Maya on these top up feeds.  She did put on more fat but she did not grow in any other way.  I realised that all the formula and glucose were doing was making Maya fat, so I stopped and the fat fell off.  In hindsight I now realise this advice from an 'expert' was ridiculous and would do nothing but add fat to Maya and not make her grow any more.  But for some reason experts see weight as such a huge indicator of health that any weight gain, by any means, is seen as the answer.

Why is weight gain seen as such a big indicator of health? There are more signs to health than weight gain alone.  Is the baby happy?  Is the baby meeting milestones?  Is the baby growing (height, width OR weight)?  Does the baby have ill health?

I saw a second paediatrician who ran a lot of tests on Maya and everything came back normal.   She was and is a perfectly healthy girl.

I now see Maya for what she is.  A small, healthy, happy girl who does not need fattening up.  She eats plenty of food.  She just doesn't achieve the expected weight gains.

I am so happy that I am on the other side now and I no longer see Maya's weight as an issue.  What worries me though is all the mother's who will go through what I went through, some of whom will give up breast feeding or try to combine breast and formula feeding or feed their baby bulking agents, when their baby is perfectly healthy just smaller than the norm.

Ten weeks of work.

I have been back at work now for ten weeks, which I am proud of.  I wasn't sure if I'd be able to manage work with my illness but thankfully I haven't had any vertigo attacks since the end of December last year.  I still worry about having an attack and it's often on my mind that one could happen at any moment.  But being back at work has given me some confidence again - managing an hour long, two way, two train travel plus two full work days with no attacks - I am relieved. 

It has been tough at times managing the work load around minding Maya and doing housework.  I have to bring work home with me and it's hard fitting it in during Maya's one nap of the day, which can be anywhere from 1 to 2 hours (usually 1 1/2 to 2 hours and sometimes 3 if I am very lucky).

Overall I am happy to be back at work.  However, I would rather be working only one day and have Maya in care two days a week, so that I could get everything I needed to get done for work in those two days.

Maya is happier at child care now.  She has her favourite carers, she eats well and interacts with the other children.  However, there is still a problem.  She rarely sleeps there and if she does it's usually only 15 to 20 minutes.  Compared with her usual 1 1/2 to 2 hour naps at home, that's a very big difference and by the end of the child care days Maya is a tired, unhappy mess.

For most of these past ten weeks Maya hasn't been happy at child care, which has at times left me feeling guilty for returning to work and leaving her.  Unfortunately sometimes what is best for me won't necessarily be best for her, and right now being back at work is important to me.

Protecting our children.

It's now just over a year since Dana McCaffery died. Dana was just 4 weeks old and died of Whooping Cough (Pertussis), which is preventable through vaccinations.  However, babies cannot receive their first vaccination for Whooping Cough until they are at least two months old.  So in the time between birth and 2 months of age they rely on the immunity passed from mother to child prior to birth and on the mother's anti-bodies in their milk. They also rely on those around them, who also have a lot of contact with them, to be immunised against this disease (father, grandparents, health nurses, etc).  However, the vaccination wanes after 10 to 12 years and the vast majority of adults do not receive their booster injections, so 90% of adults or more are no longer immunised.  Vaccination is only effective if the majority of the community does it (called herd immunity), so with the vast majority of people no longer being immunised, outbreaks of Whooping Cough are much more likely to occur. 

I was horrified when a friend told me that she visited her doctor prior to pregnancy and asked if there were any preparations she should make before having a baby.  He dismissed her saying that she was young and healthy.

On the other hand, when I went in for a check up prior to pregnancy I was told to get a Whooping Cough vaccination at least three months prior to conceiving in order to protect myself and my unborn baby, but also to protect my newborn once she arrived.  Maya would have received my Whooping Cough anti-bodies prior to birth as well as in my breast milk.  As well, I was told that Greg needed to get the booster prior to the birth of our baby girl in order to further protect her from this horrible disease.

As Maya's parents we are the ones most in contact with our little girl and it makes obvious sense for us to be vaccinated properly in order to protect our child.  Really everyone who will be in regular contact with your child should be fully immunised and that is the recommendation from the Australian government: "It is also recommended that new parents or women planning on becoming pregnant (and members of their household or family) receive a booster dose of the diphtheria, tetanus and pertussis vaccine to protect the new baby from whooping cough in the first months of life." (cited from http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Whooping_cough).

So if it's been ten years or more since you had a booster dose of the pertussis vaccine then please consider having it in order to protect not only our young and helpless but also those who cannot be vaccinated and yourself. Please also vaccinate your children.

My sincere heartfelt condolences go out to Toni and David McCaffery.  I cannot begin to imagine their suffering.  But at a time when most people would fall in a heap and never get up again, they are fighting for a world where newborns do not die from a disease we can protect them from.

Child care.

As I said in my previous post, I'd always planned to go back to work in January, for two days per week, and my intention was for my mother to care for Maya on those two days.  However, seeing just how much my mother smokes each day - practically one every hour - I realised that she would have to take constant smoke breaks and they wouldn't all fall during Maya's nap times.  My mother would never smoke inside my house, but even outside I hate the thought of my mother smoking around my daughter.  Smoke can still get into Maya's lungs outdoors and I don't want Maya to see my mother smoking so much.  I realised I cannot leave Maya with my mother for two whole days each week.

My only option then was to look into child care centres, but I thought leaving such a young child with strangers in a bigger child to adult ratio couldn't be good for Maya.  She wouldn't receive the same attention as she does at home. 

Then I did some research and discovered that thirty hours or less a week in child care can be beneficial for toddlers.  They expand their vocabulary quicker and learn to socialise with other children.  I went to look at child care centres and while I came across a couple I would never send my daughter to, I found some that had such a lovely, homely, happy feel about them and of course I chose my favourite one of those.

I know that Maya doesn't receive the same attention there from her carers as she does at home, but the kids are so friendly there and play with each other.  And of course the carers do spend as much time as they can with each child.  She is eating very well there and enjoys playing with the other children.  She does painting and drawing, which is something I have never gotten around to doing with Maya (because of lack of thought on my part).  I know at child care she will experience things that I am either unable to do or don't think of doing myself and I think that's a good thing.

The problem is that she isn't sleeping enough while there and arrives home tired and miserable.  She isn't always happy there and she feels abandoned by us.  Maya has always had strong separation anxiety and now it's been made worse by attending child care.  She clings to me when she gets home and unfortunately she is upset with her own father who is the one who takes her there.  I feel guilty right now for putting her in there and for not being able to explain to her that we are not abandoning her.

The child care staff tell me that Maya is doing well compared to other children who start child care, but it doesn't seem that way to me, and I'm not sure if they are just saying that to make me feel better or is it really true?  Either way I know I need to commit to it for some time and see if Maya can adjust before I make any changes.  But it's hard in the interim while Maya and I struggle with this new routine in our life.

My return to work.

While I am so glad that I have been able to stay at home with Maya full time for the first 16 months of her life, I have also found myself very much missing adult conversation and company during that time.  I thrive on interactions with other adults and being at home with an infant just hasn't been enough to fulfil me.  I really wish it was enough and I very much admire stay at home mothers because I do believe that having a primary, full time, stay at home caregiver is best for the child.  However, for a while now I have found myself being eager to return to work for the adult company, conversation and me time.

My plan was to return to work in January 2010, but when my illness flared up I began to fret that I wouldn't be well enough to.  I even had some vertigo attacks at the end of December and thought my opportunity to return to work was lost.  Luckily throughout January I remained attack free and at the end of January I made the transition back to work.

I am only working two days a week, which honestly is actually more than enough for me right now.  In fact I'd rather work just one day a week, but I don't think that would be possible at my current job.  One day is just enough to refresh me with some me time and time with other adults. 

I still very much want to be with Maya as much as possible and that's why I decided on only two days a week.  I would hate to be away from her more than that.  I know that this time will go very quickly and she will grow faster than I can imagine and being with her is still very important to me.  I also think children of this age do still need a primary caregiver for the majority of time.  I just need a bit of time out each week for myself.

So far I am enjoying working again and it feels like I haven't been away as long as I actually have.  Although I am fearful of having a vertigo attack on the way to, from or at work.  And I am not enjoying the hour long train journey there and back (I used to live five minutes away!).  But overall I am happy to be back.  I just hope I remain well.

The hardest part has been missing Maya, which seems funny given the fact that I wanted the time away.  But I have spent almost every minute of the last 16 months with Maya and being apart from her now is hard.  The fact that I have been with her almost every minute of the last 16 months is also the reason why I need some time out.

Maya is now in child care for the two days, which I will write about in more detail in another post.  So far she is struggling with being apart from me, which is making me feel very guilty for putting myself first.  But I really need to give this a go and if it doesn't work out for me or her then I can always return to being a stay at home mother, which I do enjoy.  I just need some more regular time to myself and time with other adults, which is what work gives me.

Plans.

When my illness flared up in August last year I was no longer able to make plans.  Suddenly I had no idea if I would be well one day to the next, minute to minute even.

I realised my life was built a lot around plans.  I am always planning what I can do next and when I can do it.  I am aware of the idea of living in the moment and while I think being in the moment and appreciating what you have now is a great philosophy, right now I can't see how that is always possible.  There are just some things that need to be planned for.

I know that in life nothing is for certain and plans can always be changed by unexpected events.  But people do make plans and hope those plans eventuate.  However, when you don't know what your life will be like from one minute to the next it makes it extremely hard to plan anything.

A decade without dad.

Today marks a milestone for me - the ten year anniversary of my father's passing.  I'm not really sure why it feels like a milestone.  Maybe because ten years is a significant amount of time - nearly a third of my life that I have been without my dad.  And there have been so many moments that my father has missed - graduation, marriage and the birth of Maya being the most significant.  Plus we've missed out on ten years of conversations, hugs and moments to see each other.

I wish that my dad knew that the guy he met ten years ago became my husband in the future.  I wish he knew that we had a child together.  I wish I could have just five more minutes with my dad.

So today I visited my father's grave to mark the occasion.  I also took Maya to 'visit' my dad and told her about him.

I love you Dad forever and always.  Always missed.  Never forgotten.  xxxx