Questions.

Maya asks questions.  All the time.  And I'm sure I've posted before that there are some questions that are easy to answer and some questions I don't know the answer to.

The other day I was looking at a picture book with Maya.  This particular picture was of a hot air balloon and the word was balloon.

Maya pointed at the picture and asked "What is it?"

"A balloon," I answered.

Pointing to the basket below the balloon "What is it?"

"That's a basket," I answered.

Pointing to the picture again, Maya asked "What is it?"

"It's a hot air balloon.  That's the balloon part and hot air is put into the balloon and it floats up and it pulls the basket up and people can ride in the basket."

Maya pauses for a while looking at the picture.  I feel like I'm doing well with my explanations.  I know that it's a picture of a hot air balloon and I know how it works.

Then Maya asks "What's his name?", pointing to a man in the basket.

"Err.. I dunno?"

Swim Lessons.

Maya's swim lessons are all about having fun in the water whilst gaining swim skills.

Maya is wearing a little yellow hat in the video.

Happy Father's Day.

Unconditional Love.

It hit me recently that with both parents now deceased there is no longer anyone left in this world who loves me the way a parent loves their child.

A parent's love is endless, unconditional, boundless and unlike any other kind of love.

And it is gone for me.

Loss

We who have lost have no physical sign, no outward scar that says, "Look, oh look, can you not see?  I have lost so much."  The scars are inside. - Rise by Ingrid Polson

Imagine being in a horrific accident where you lost your leg.  You would be taken to an emergency hospital, where a team of doctors, surgeons and nurses would work to stop the bleeding, and repair what could be repaired.  You would then be taken to a recovery ward, given medication for the pain, have round the clock care from a team of doctors and nurses and when ready, work with physiotherapists to regain mobility, perhaps be fitted with a prosthetic leg and be offered the support of a psychiatrist to help you come to terms with the loss of your limb.

And the extent of your loss would be evident to all.

But when one loses a family member, there is no support.  There are no teams of doctors and nurses with round the clock care.  There are so physiotherapists to help you get moving again.  There are no psychiatrists who come to see you and help you adjust to life without your significant other (of course you can seek the help of psychiatrists or psychologists, but my point is that YOU have to seek the help; it is not forthcoming).

And the extent of your loss is not evident to anybody.

I realise I don't know what it is like to lose a leg.  But if I had the choice of losing my leg or my mother I would choose my leg. 

I also know there are people who have experienced much greater loss than I have (and Ingrid Polson is one of those people).  But in my immediate group of friends and amongst family I do feel that I am truly worse off.  That my losses have been more and greater than any in my immediate circle.  And while I wouldn't wish the loss of a parent at this age on anyone, I can't help feeling that it's not fair that I have now lost both parents while most have lost none.  Surely it was one of their turns to lose someone.

I know life doesn't work that way, but why me again?

How dare it be that our family had to go through this again!  Were we not granted some kind of death and disaster immunity?  And how could I possibly demonstrate how much I loved and missed my family?  My body was not big enough to show the size of the scars, my failures could never be spectacular enough, there was not enough darkness in the world to wrap myself in.  - Rise by Ingrid Polson

There are those around me who have lost both parents, but later in life, at an age when you would expect to lose your parents. And their parents endured long term illnesses so it would not have been a shock to the same extent as the losses of both my parents were. And their parents died when their children were grown and able to support them through their loss.

Maya doesn't understand what has happened to her Nana, nor does she understand that I am grieving or what grief is.  She doesn't even understand that her Nana was MY mother and my mother has gone forever.  Maya isn't a support or comfort for me in the way I most need.  In fact everything I now do for her requires greater effort on my behalf due to the large, painful wound I now carry with me every day.

A wound no one can see.

A year ago..

A year ago today was the last time my mother made it to a family gathering.  She was already experiencing a lot of pain but she wanted to come see Maya and I and she wanted to tell the rest of her family the news.  

This is the last picture I have of my mother and Maya together.  Now I wish I had continued to take pictures of them together when visiting my mother at home, at the hospital or at the rehabilitation centre.  But I believed my mother would get better and why would you take pictures of someone who is sick and not looking as they used to?  But now I lack pictures from those few months and that is something I regret.

Miss you so much mum and so does Maya. Forever in our hearts.

Your turn.

I decided to give Maya a ride on my back.  I got down on my hands and knees and told her that if she climbed up on my back I'd give her a ride.

When the ride was over, she hopped off my back, got down on her hands and knees, pointed to her back and said "Mum, your turn".

First born.

Maya is lucky to have a great grandmother still alive, who is my grandmother on my mother's side.  What makes this even more special to me, is that my grandmother, my mother, Maya and I are all first born women.

So when Maya was born I decided that I wanted a picture taken of all four of us together.  My grandmother was 87 years old at the time and had lost her husband a few months prior.  So I wanted to get the photo done sooner rather than later.  But it was hard to organise all four of us together at the same time.  Until Maya's first birthday when all four of us came together.  But none of the photos turned out.

I had always meant to try again and then forgot all about it once my mother got sick.  But after my mother passed I lamented the fact that I never got the picture I wanted.

Then recently my aunt turned up with a picture of the four of us.  I had forgotten that we had all made it to my cousin's house warming together in December 2009.  And my aunt had captured the four of us together on her camera.

A copy of the photo now sits framed on my mantel.  Four generations of first born women.  And I can't even describe how grateful I am to have this picture.  This picture I sought because my grandmother was of advanced age and could pass any time. 

But it turned out I wasn't racing the clock for her passing but for my mothers instead.  And if I hadn't been trying to get a photo with my grandmother in it, I wouldn't have this photo with my mother in it.

Wallace and Gromit.

One of Maya's favourite shows is Wallace and Gromit.  It's about a guy (Wallace) and his dog (Gromit) and they get up to all kinds of adventures together.

So when the decision was made for Maya to have grommets, we realised that this was a word she was already familiar with, as the name of the dog Gromit.  What made the whole explanation even more complicated (amusing) was that her doctor's name is Wallis.

Can you imagine the images those words would conjure up in Maya's mind?

Saying "Maya Doctor Wallis is going to put grommets in your ears".

Might be heard as "Maya Wallace is going to put Gromit in your ears".

She'd probably be excited about seeing Wallace and Gromit but unsure about a dog in her ears.

We decided to call the surgeon by his first name and tell her that she was having tubes put in her ears.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

To minimise our ecological footprint we can reduce what we buy, reuse items where possible and recycle what can't be reused again.

One quick and easy change that can be made is to switch to recycled toilet paper.  It's a change Greg and I made many years ago but it seems this change isn't being adopted by the majority of Australians.  According to Wipe It Out,  95% of Australian's still buy non-recycled toilet paper.

Using non-recycled toilet paper means that trees are cut down to make those rolls.  Less trees means less homes for wildlife and affects climate change.

Recycled toilet paper is comfortable to use and comparable on cost.  And it is made from post-consumer waste, which protects more trees from being cut down.

From Zoos Victoria's Wipe for Wildlife campaign:

Things to look out for in a good recycled toilet paper product are:

• Manufactured from 100% post-consumer waste
• Made is Australia
• Uses no harsh chemicals

Choice has also come up with a list of which toilet papers to buy in Australia, which you can find here.

And here's a little video to end off this post:

Wipe for Wildlife CSA from Zoos Victoria on Vimeo.