Thursday, 23 February 2012

No reserves in place.

Often when I mention that I no longer have much help with Maya, now that my mother is gone, I hear replies such as "I never had any help" or "I don't have any help either".  The thing is these people's parents either never helped much anyway or they live too far away to help.  And the decision to have children was made knowing their parents wouldn't be around to help. 

I didn't make such a decision.

I always knew motherhood would be hard and I didn't want to do it without my mother's help and company.  Of course Greg is a great father and husband and he does help a lot.  But he works full time and he's away the majority of the time I am with Maya.

Yes I know other people have raised children without the support of parents.  But it's not what I chose to do nor what I wanted to do.  It's not something I planned for nor thought would happen. 

When I decided to have a child I made that decision based on the fact that I would have my mother's support. 

And that support was suddenly pulled out from under me, with no reserves in place.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Choose your last words.

I can't stop listening to this song "Born to Die" by Lana Del Rey.
"Feet don't fail me now
Take me to the finish line
All my heart, it breaks every step that I take"
"Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough"
"The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime"
"Choose your last words.
This is the last time.
Cause you and I, we were born to die."

All we know is what we have now.

A year ago I discovered that my mother was terminally ill and I was told that she had two to three months to live.  I remember thinking that two to three months was not enough time.  And I said that in my post here.  Five days later she was dead.  And what I wouldn't give to have two to three months more with her now.  What a blessing any time with her would be.

Everything happened so quickly in the end.  There were so many things to say.  So many things I was unable to say.  So many things left unsaid.  And so many questions left unanswered.

Of course my mother did not have time either.  And while she started to reflect on her life and process everything, her life was over before she could finish.  And it breaks my heart that she left without finding peace.

We never know when lives will end.  All we know is what we have now.  And we know one day it will end for us.

Now's the time to say what needs to be said.  To ask what needs to be asked.  To do what needs to be done.

For tomorrow might be too late. xx

Friday, 10 February 2012

A reflection on 2011

At the start of every new year, I typically reflect on the year just passed.  And as I reflect on 2011, I could easily say it was one of the worst years of my life, having lost my mother so suddenly.

Then it was hard to grieve in the way I needed to with someone so dependent on me.  Someone who did not understand what I was going through.  Someone who wanted my full, undivided attention.   Someone who looked to me for strength and comfort, while inside I felt like I was falling apart.

But Maya was also my light who helped guide me through and I was often able to get lost in her enthusiasm, energy and lust for life.

And then there's the change I was finally able to make.  Leaving a job I was unhappy with.  Suddenly I had the confidence to leave without any backup job or plans for my future.  I just knew I had to leave and better now than never.  So I did.  And it gave me some time out and space and led me to apply for jobs I normally wouldn't.  It led me to attain a new job that I enjoy.  And I am working there again this year with more hours and more opportunities.

Life is too short to spend it doing something you are unhappy doing.  Perhaps you can't make a change right now.  Perhaps you have to work towards a change.  But what better time to start than now. xx