Bikes.

Back in January we bought bikes plus a bike seat for Maya.  But with all the drama in the following months, we didn't get around to using them much until now.

I wasn't sure how I'd go being back on a bike. It's been many, many years since I've ridden. But I found my riding legs quickly and I am enjoying it. Just as long as there aren't too many big hills just yet. :)

Maya loves being on the bike.  Of course at her age she's not riding herself, but she is participating, being outdoors and seeing her mum and dad riding together.

I really want to encourage Maya to be outdoors and to exercise.  And I know the best way to encourage her is for Greg and I to do it too (not to mention the health benefits we also get out of it).  I want to encourage family time that is centred around exercise and I want to make exercise a normal part of our life.

I remember growing up I rode a lot, went to parks, played ball sports, went swimming. And my mother was never there. My father always took us. And I always wished my mother would come with us because I wanted to spend time with her. I realise my mother probably wanted some time out and sometimes I stay home, while Greg takes Maya out, so that I can enjoy some alone time. But I also very much enjoy the time we spend together as a family unit.

I can't hear her.

When I tell people that I am missing my mother and miss our conversations, I often hear "You can still talk to her" or "She's still listening" or "She will guide you".  But that misses the point.  I want to be able to converse with my mother.  I want to hear her advice and opinion.  I want her words of comfort and encouragement.  And yes I can talk to her and I can imagine what she might say and doing those things can be very comforting at times.  But it is not even slightly the same as having my mother here with me and actually conversing with her.

I know these things are said by well meaning people who are trying to help.  But they are in fact dismissing my feelings.  I am missing my mother.  I am missing our conversations.  And nothing can make that better. 

No one can ease my grief.  Only time can do that.

The world is my oyster.

I've always felt that before I could leave any job I needed to find another ongoing position to replace it.  But once I left my job I was finally able to consider casual, temporary work.  In fact suddenly temporary work sounded like an ideal way to try other workplaces.  

So I applied for casual work and within a week I was offered two jobs!

Long term I still don't know what I want to do career wise.  But for the short term I am happy to try out different places and different jobs and hopefully get more of an idea of what I do and don't like.

I am also enjoying not being tied down to one workplace.  If I don't like something I can just leave and find something else. 

The world is my oyster.

Mother's Day.

Dear Mum,

You were not just my mother but my best friend too.
There was nothing that I couldn't share with you.

But now you are gone; taken too fast.
And all I have are our memories of past.

I miss you more than you'll ever know.
And now you will not see your grand-daughter grow.

I will never forget you and all that you've done.
There was no one like you, no one, none.

My heart aches for you and always will.
There's a hole in my heart that no one can fill.

But you were the best mother I could have asked for.
Loved and remembered always, forever more.

Happy mother's day Mum. xx