A few months is not enough.

Today I received news I have anticipated but have been dreading.  My mother is now terminally ill.  Whilst most bladder cancers grow slowly and are easy to remove, hers is aggressive and has spread throughout her body.  They can no longer treat her.  She has a few months left to live.

Right now I feel like nothing is real any more.  And I wish someone would wake me up from this nightmare.

I remember how devastating it was to lose my father.  And now I have to go through it again with my mother.  And both of them will have died so young.

I can't believe that soon I will be parent less.  That the only support on my side of the family will soon be gone.  That my mother will never get to see Maya grow and develop.  That I will lose my mother and my friend.  That I won't be able to talk to her.  See her.  Hug her.

I wish I could get away from this pain.  From this grief.  I remember thinking I would never recover from the pain of losing my father.  Of course I did.  But for a while there the pain was unbearable.  And I am headed there again.

Suddenly so many things seem so unimportant. 

The little things don't matter.

Only health matters.

And I would do anything, give anything, say anything to cure my mother right now.

Party gifts.

When Maya was three months old we took her to a children's birthday party.  Back then she wasn't even on solids but upon leaving she was presented with a lolly bag.

Last year I took Maya to a first birthday party where the birthday girl was not allowed to eat any cake, lollies or chocolate.  But upon leaving Maya was given a lolly bag.

We then went to a third birthday party where the birthday boy was on a strict, organic only diet - no dairy, no wheat and definitely no lollies or chocolate.  But when leaving Maya was given a lolly bag.

I have no problem with Maya eating lollies but they are a special occasion food not something we keep at home or want to bring home.  By giving us lolly bags (that I can't refuse because once Maya has seen it she wants it) means we then end up bringing lollies home to eat.  And honestly Maya would be happy with anything you gave her anyway.  Why not apples?  Or mandarins?  Why lollies?

And why do people feel obliged to give children a 'present' of lollies anyway?  I remember growing up I did receive lolly bags from some parties but it's not like that's the only reason I was there.  I enjoyed the party, the food and the atmosphere and the lolly bags weren't important to me.

And when you as the parent are providing a venue, food and other party items, why are you then obliged to give every child a 'present'?  Aren't you already providing enough with the party alone?

It reminds me of weddings too where the bride and groom provide their guests with gifts.  Does anyone go to a wedding expecting and wanting gifts?  I certainly don't.  I go to weddings to celebrate the bride and groom getting married.  Why do people feel obliged to give gifts when they are already paying for each guest to attend their wedding?

And honestly the gifts are generally something the bride and groom have tried to spend minimal money on.  Usually cheap chocolate or some cheap ornament with the bride and grooms names engraved on it.  Does anyone actually want or enjoy these gifts?

Providing me with a venue, time, space, other people, food and drinks (and not having to do anything other than turn up) is enough of a 'gift' for me.

Maya and Cleo.

Towards the end of my pregnancy with Maya I began to worry about how Cleo (our cat) would react to the new addition to our family.  Cleo can be highly affectionate towards Greg and I, but at times she turns into a clawing, biting, scary animal.  It worried me to think what she might do to a small baby.

When we brought Maya home for the first time I held her near Cleo for Cleo to suss her out.  And Cleo ran and hid.  She was petrified of the little being.  I thought Cleo's fear of Maya would leave as she got used to the new addition to our family, but it has remained to this day.

As Maya became more aware of Cleo she would delight in seeing her.  Cleo has been a godsend at times.  When Maya is upset or throwing a tantrum I can take her to see Cleo and she cheers up.

Maya would dearly love to be able to play with Cleo but Cleo avoids Maya.  And for good reason really.  Once Maya found her feet she also found Cleo's tail.  I honestly have no idea why Cleo has not attacked Maya (yet?).  Maya will pull her tail, pull her fur, hit her, poke her, chase her....  And Cleo does not (yet?) lay a paw on Maya.

Greg and I still get bitten and scratched sometimes by Cleo.  Yet Maya's treatment of Cleo has not been met with any retaliation.  It's as though Cleo knows not to attack this small human creature.

I am so grateful that Cleo has not hurt Maya and I hope Cleo continues not to hurt her.  Of course I am trying to teach Maya not to hurt Cleo either and I hope she will get the idea soon and stop tormenting the poor cat.

I think Maya sees Cleo as a toy who should do exactly what Maya wants and commands.  Sometimes Maya gets extremely upset when she wants to cuddle or pat or play with Cleo and Cleo runs away.  But of course Cleo has her own will.  I am not sure when Maya will realise that other people and animals have their own wills, wants and needs.

Mummy!

This is a conversation I regularly have with Maya at the moment (if you can call it a conversation):

Maya: "Mummy!"
Me: "Yes?"
"Mummy!"
"Yes?"
"Mummy!"
"Yes?"
"Mummy!"
"What?"
"Mummy!"
"What?!?!?!"
"Mummy!"
*sigh*

Getting to school.

There was an article in the Sydney Morning Herald today about getting kids walking and riding to school.  I am amazed at how many kids are now driven to school each day, which not only prevents the children from developing their own independence of getting around but also creates more congestion on the roads.

My thirteen year old cousin who goes to her local high school is too scared to walk, ride or catch public transport to school.  And my aunt won't let her ride anyway 'because there are too many cars the road'.  Firstly, I have no idea why my cousin would have such a strong fear of getting herself to school and I don't know why my aunt isn't helping her to develop her independence.  They could catch the bus together for a few weeks until my cousin felt more comfortable taking it on her own.  Or walk together.  Or ride together.  Secondly the reason there are more cars on the road is because more parents are on the road driving their kids to school.  So if my aunt stopped driving my cousin to school there would be one less car on the road.  And if several people stopped driving their children to school, there would be several cars off the road.

I went to the local primary school, which was at the end of my street.  I started off walking with my mother but later walked on my own.  My mother taught me about stranger danger and I felt confident walking every day and never had any problems.  When at high school I rode every day.  And my school wasn't so close.  And I rode rain, hail or shine. 

I developed my independence in getting around and I didn't need lifts to visit friends or to go to the local shops.  I could just jump on my bike, use my legs or catch the bus and didn't need to rely on someone else to get me to where I needed to go.

Back in hospital.

My mother ended up back in hospital about a week ago, with a partial vascular blockage in her leg.  Probably due to inactivity.

While in hospital she complained about pains in her stomach so doctors ordered scans, which revealed that the cancer is bigger and worse than expected.  Doctors are now in discussions about what to do next.

Learning about colours.

For a long time now Maya has been able to list colours but not always identify them correctly.

Then the other day she exclaimed "There's a red car and ours is a red car!"

I looked and it was indeed a red car.

I then asked her "What is that car?" pointing at a blue car.

"That's a blue car" she said.

"And what's that car" I asked again pointing at a green car.

"That's a green car" she said.

"Wow she can identify colours" I thought.

"There's a red car" she said again pointing at a red car.

And this time I asked "What colour is it?"

"Green!" she said.

Errrrrr

"No what colour is it?"

"Green!"

"What car is it?"

"It's a red car"

"So what colour is it?"

"Green"

"No if it's a red car then it's a red colour"

"Green"

There are red cars and blue cars and silver cars and white cars but they are all the colour green apparently.

Hmmmm.

Shattered.

On Saturday I visited my mother and she dropped a bombshell on me.

She still has cancer.

It was such a shock for me because I believed that the cancer had been fully removed during her surgery.  But the mass was much bigger than expected.  And despite the fact that bladder cancer is one of the most treatable forms of cancer because it generally grows slowly and stays contained within the bladder, it seems her cancer has grown rapidly and spread outside of the bladder.

Right now we don't know the next steps.  She will have a scan sometime in February to determine how much of the cancer is left.  And then the next course of action will be determined - another operation?  chemotherapy?  or radiation?

Until Saturday I thought my mother's battle ahead was to recover from her series of operations.  But it seems it's a bigger battle than I thought.  And I am shattered.

Gendering of toys.

For Maya's birthday last year, my aunt asked me for present ideas.  I suggested she buy Maya a dump truck for the sandpit we were giving Maya.  On Maya's birthday my aunt turned up with clothes for Maya and whispered to me "I didn't get Maya a dump truck because it's for boys".

I was surprised by her reaction.  I grew up playing with cars, trucks, trains, etc.  I loved them and didn't consider them "boys" toys.  Just as Maya enjoys playing with dolls she also enjoys her vehicles.

There was an interesting post recently on Ms. blog about the gendering of toys and how children who enjoy playing with toys outside of their gender norm can be bullied. The writer talks about her son who took his My Little Pony to show and tell and was teased and a girl who was made fun of because she had a Star Wars drink bottle (by the way I love Star Wars and I'm a girl!).

Maya received a dump truck for Christmas and well.... here's some footage of her playing with it and enjoying it.

A reflection on 2010.

2010 was the year of illnesses.  It seemed like Maya and I were forever sick with colds and flus, plus some infections and gastro type illnesses thrown in for good measure.  Maya had many ear infections and developed glue ear, for which we thought she might need grommets but thankfully her ears did clear towards the end of the year.  My vertigo flared up again and for the second half of the year I have been experiencing vertigo every two to three weeks.  Though thankfully it has been milder than the previous year, it is still unpleasant and I have had some attacks while out and about which is harder to manage.  Even Greg who rarely gets sick caught more colds than usual.

Then of course there's my mother who developed bladder cancer and had three operations.

Then there's a friend of mine who developed ovarian cancer and during an operation to remove the cancer a mistake was made.  She will have to undergo further surgery in February to reverse the problem caused during surgery and I hope that will lead her back on the road to recovery.

I returned to work at the end of January after 16 months on maternity leave.  At first it was an extremely hard adjustment to make.  I missed Maya terribly and felt tremendously guilty for leaving her.  It took Maya a long time to adjust to child care but now she is happy there and overall I do think her experiences with other adult carers and other children has been good for her.  And work has given me adult company and some time out from the constant demands of a toddler, which I needed.

Unfortunately I began to dislike my job and the long travel to and from work, but I have sorted out a different role for 2011, which I hope I will enjoy more.

We bought our first home in 2010, which was so exciting.  I'm scared to look at our finances now but happy to own our own place.

I have loved watching Maya's further growth and development and was fortunate to only work two full days a week and have the other five to spend with her.  2010 was the year Maya started walking and now she runs everywhere.  Her communication has also improved and now it is much easier to work out what Maya needs or wants.

Here's hoping that 2011 is a better year of health for everyone.