Bikes.

Back in January we bought bikes plus a bike seat for Maya.  But with all the drama in the following months, we didn't get around to using them much until now.

I wasn't sure how I'd go being back on a bike. It's been many, many years since I've ridden. But I found my riding legs quickly and I am enjoying it. Just as long as there aren't too many big hills just yet. :)

Maya loves being on the bike.  Of course at her age she's not riding herself, but she is participating, being outdoors and seeing her mum and dad riding together.

I really want to encourage Maya to be outdoors and to exercise.  And I know the best way to encourage her is for Greg and I to do it too (not to mention the health benefits we also get out of it).  I want to encourage family time that is centred around exercise and I want to make exercise a normal part of our life.

I remember growing up I rode a lot, went to parks, played ball sports, went swimming. And my mother was never there. My father always took us. And I always wished my mother would come with us because I wanted to spend time with her. I realise my mother probably wanted some time out and sometimes I stay home, while Greg takes Maya out, so that I can enjoy some alone time. But I also very much enjoy the time we spend together as a family unit.

I can't hear her.

When I tell people that I am missing my mother and miss our conversations, I often hear "You can still talk to her" or "She's still listening" or "She will guide you".  But that misses the point.  I want to be able to converse with my mother.  I want to hear her advice and opinion.  I want her words of comfort and encouragement.  And yes I can talk to her and I can imagine what she might say and doing those things can be very comforting at times.  But it is not even slightly the same as having my mother here with me and actually conversing with her.

I know these things are said by well meaning people who are trying to help.  But they are in fact dismissing my feelings.  I am missing my mother.  I am missing our conversations.  And nothing can make that better. 

No one can ease my grief.  Only time can do that.

The world is my oyster.

I've always felt that before I could leave any job I needed to find another ongoing position to replace it.  But once I left my job I was finally able to consider casual, temporary work.  In fact suddenly temporary work sounded like an ideal way to try other workplaces.  

So I applied for casual work and within a week I was offered two jobs!

Long term I still don't know what I want to do career wise.  But for the short term I am happy to try out different places and different jobs and hopefully get more of an idea of what I do and don't like.

I am also enjoying not being tied down to one workplace.  If I don't like something I can just leave and find something else. 

The world is my oyster.

Mother's Day.

Dear Mum,

You were not just my mother but my best friend too.
There was nothing that I couldn't share with you.

But now you are gone; taken too fast.
And all I have are our memories of past.

I miss you more than you'll ever know.
And now you will not see your grand-daughter grow.

I will never forget you and all that you've done.
There was no one like you, no one, none.

My heart aches for you and always will.
There's a hole in my heart that no one can fill.

But you were the best mother I could have asked for.
Loved and remembered always, forever more.

Happy mother's day Mum. xx

Work

After mum died I needed time off from work.  I couldn't manage my job on top of the grief I was experiencing.  So I took two months off.  But as the two months of leave slowly grew to a close I found myself dreading going back to work more and more. 

Before my mother passed away I was already disliking a number of things about my job.  Like the 1 1/2 hours it takes me to get there and the 1 1/2 hours it takes me to get back.  Like the fact that all my good friends have now left and gone elsewhere.  Like the fact that my workload is enormous because most of the staff who are left do not support each other and don't share work. 

I could go on.  But the point is I was already disliking my job and I was already looking for work closer to home that I would hopefully enjoy more.

I've been in my current job for six years now and despite what I just said, it has actually been the best job I've had to date.  But it is a tough job and others haven't lasted as long.  A lot of people I know have left the industry altogether or sought jobs elsewhere.

And now my strength is gone. 

I have always felt that I needed another job lined up in order to leave my current job.  And it is scary to leave something without a backup in place. 

But I needed to leave.  So I decided to quit.

When I rang my manager to quit, she said "Please consider taking leave instead, that way you can keep your job.  You can take leave for twelve months.  Then another twelve months is available after that.  So all up you can have a leave of absence for up to two years."

"But I want to be able to look for other work", I said.

"You can still look for other work and do other jobs but keep your job secure and keep all your entitlements for two years", she said.

"So I can keep my job secure for two years, keep all my entitlements secure during that time, work where ever I want during that time and decide to return or quit within two years?"

"Yes"

"Well OK then"

So that's what I did.

Maya "reading".

Also known as... telling a story from memory ("Dear Zoo" by Rod Campbell).

She is mumbling a lot so it's hard to understand what she is saying, but most of the time she is repeating the same thing over and over.

"I wrote to the zoo to send me a pet. They sent me a pet. [Insert animal here].   It was too big I sent him back."

It's not quite the right words.  But she does obviously remember some lines from the story.

Funeral Blues.

There's a part of me that still can't believe my mother is gone.  I have moments were I think I might pop over to see her.  Or maybe I'll give her a call. 

And then it hits me. 

I can't.

My mother was not just my mother.  She was also my best friend.  And it really is as though I have lost two people in one.

I know I am lucky to have been so close to my mother.  I could talk to her about anything and everything.  And I did.

I could be myself with her.  I always felt completely at home and comfortable in her home and I felt the same way when she visited me. She knew me well.  She knew what to say.

There's a huge hole in my life now and it can ever be filled.

Circle of life.

Someone mentioned the circle of life to me recently, in regards to my mother's passing.  And yes in the circle of life parents are supposed to pass before their children.

But my grandmother, my mother's mother, is still alive.  She just buried her eldest daughter.

I can't even begin to imagine what she must be feeling.  I know she feels it should have been her dying instead.  And if she could have traded places with her daughter, she would have.

As I sat with my mother in her final moments, I'll admit I looked across her bed at my grandmother and thought, "It should be you lying here instead of my mother".

Sometimes the circle of life does not work as it is supposed to.

I've been listening to The Editors a lot lately, whose lyrics seem to resonate with me right now. And in the song "Push Your Head Towards the Air":

Now don't drown in your tears, babe
Push your head towards the air.
Now don't drown in your tears, babe
I will always be there.

I thought my mother would always be there.  I thought she would always be there to save me from drowning.  I remember all the times I cried in her arms and her arms were the safest place in the world.  Nothing could hurt me there.

Now I am a mother and I keep Maya safe.  And I want to tell Maya that I will always be there for her.

But if the circle of life works as it is supposed to, one day I will leave Maya.  One day Maya will feel as I do now.  Her heart will ache for me.  And I wish I could save Maya from that experience.

Suffering.

In regards to my mother's passing I often hear: "At least she's not suffering any more". And while I don't want my mother to be suffering, I also don't want her to be dead.  And if the choice is suffering or death, well right now I would choose her suffering just to have her here with me.  Yes, it may be selfish but that's how I feel. 

In life there are things we suffer through.  Accidents.  Operations.  Loss.  Pushing ourselves to our limits.  And not all this suffering ends in death.  Some suffering comes before achieving a dream or before recovering from loss, an accident or an operation. 

So I guess what I really want is my mother's suffering to be towards recovery rather than towards death.  And I want my mother alive not dead.  And the fact that she is not suffering any more is no comfort to me.

Every little piece in your life...

From The Editors - "The Weight of the World":

Every little piece in your life
Will add up to one
Every little piece in your life 
Well it means something to someone